Frustration. That has been my experience in these last 2 months living in community. I had expectations. I thought I had left those behind since training camp, but here I was, sitting in debrief voicing my frustration to my team, my coaches and squad leaders.
I expected racers to all be at the same spiritual maturity level, to already know how to live in community and be spiritually hungry, excited and passionate about God, scripture and praying. I was wrong. I often was feeling alone even in a community of believers.
How did this happen? And how was I suppose to bring it up during feedback? How do I say what I mean without misconstruing what is going on in my heart? Will I hurt people in the process? How am I suppose to do this?
With all these questions in my mind, I did what I have done for so long in my life when I’m frustrated. I kept quiet and kept a safe distance. Part of the reason that I did this was because I was processing why I was feeling this way and another part of it was that I honestly didn’t know what to do or how to say what I felt. I knew I didn’t want to say things out of frustration because when I do, I don’t speak in gentleness or in love. I end up tearing down rather than building up. That happened once during feedback. I then had to go up to that person and talk with them personally, explain myself and apologize for speaking out of frustration. By the way, if you are a future racer, don’t ever open your mouth in feedback if you are frustrated. It never goes well. Pray, discern and then speak.
I’ve come to realize that everyone is on their own spiritual journey. I shouldn’t hold people up to a certain standard when they’re not in a place to be held up to it. Just like I can’t expect a person to know how to swim if they’ve never been in the water, I can’t expect a person to be passionate about Jesus when they have not encountered his unrelenting and unconditional love, complete freedom and be able to walk in it. I have this desire to press into what the Lord has for me and my team. I guess I just haven’t conveyed that desire very well. The good thing is that we have talked openly and honestly. I have made time to talk with each member of our team. I am committed to serving, loving and bringing them along side with me in my walk with Christ. I know they have much to teach me as well.
This is what true community is.
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