driving up & down I-95 has become old hat, which is good considering the slight daze i was in as i drove from my aunt’s house back to northern virginia. uncle k, aunt jane’s husband, had made a dvd of old home videos of our family dating back from the early nineties. i’ve packed quite a few pounds since i was ten years old, but my voice hasn’t changed at all, my brother pointed out. it was almost mind-boggling to see my cousins and me as such little people.
by the time my mom, brother and i reached the hospital early this afternoon, she’d already passed away. must’ve been God who held me together, who constructed a dam preventing tears from bursting forth. just because i didn’t really cry doesn’t mean i didn’t hurt watching my mom and aunt weep over their sister, right?
it could be denial. it could be irrational faith. there was no loud charismatic shouting as i lay hands on my aunt; quietly, i prayed in the secret prayer language only God understands (’cause He gave it to me). my hands shook as i prayed and found myself rocking ever so slightly. finally with as few people in the room, i prayed aloud (but not loudly).
a part of me still wonders what it is exactly that i asked of the Lord, in my spirit, confident before His throne of grace.
here’s a confession: it’s morbid, but i think about my funeral as often as i wonder about my wedding, and thought about even more these past few days. i may have to start put it in writing, but let me get it out there, please NO pipe-organ playing hymns that will be sung in korean. don’t get me wrong, i’m not a pipe-organ hater, but not my first choice in musical accompaniment.
thank you for your prayers; continue to lift up my family. my grandma will be returning to the u.s. from korea tonight. i pray that my family, especially my cousins and now-widower uncle will hear His voice and sense His presence. if you want/can, please join me. i love that in Christ, i find family from all over the country and world.
“son of man, can these bones live?”
“oh sovereign Lord, you (alone) know.”
– ezekiel 37:3.
