Towards the
end of my last post I mentioned how Allison sensed something holding me back
from really going for it on this trip, as if I were just letting the World Race
pass me by while I was standing still. The first month I was held back by some homesickness and nostalgia, but
I was pretty sure I got over that hurdle by now.
Then what,
if anything, is holding me back? As I
thought about it, I came to the conclusion that my very desire a World Race of my own, unique to and authentic for me
is what’s keeps me from drinking the kool aid. I dunno about my fellow pilgrims, but I am tired of the World Race lingo
that’s sprung up, some more than others: choosing in, it’s okay not to be okay, pressing in, this is Africa, and
welcome to the World Race. I mean, I’m
tired of typing out “the World Race” and “the Race.” Gaaaah, it drives me nuts.
Our debrief
at the beginning of this month was like a pep rally and pep talk from our
coaches: we were pumped to pray boldly,
filled with a “double portion” (another one of those) of faith, encouraged to expect and “great things” from
God. But as our team got out on the
field, we had some good passes, and a field goal here and there but no
touchdown.
What
gives? For me, I chalked it up to
persevering in faith – that God is willing and able to do great things we
didn’t see; that when the young boy I shared the gospel with said he wanted to
accept Christ, he meant it.
Why do I
write all this? (Because) I don’t know. Eight months is both a long and a short amount of time I’ve got left of
this trek. As we debriefed with Allison
and Jake, all that I’ve been processing is nothing new to them. It’s all going according to plan, and (ugh)
that’s what pisses me off [I said all this laughing all the while].
Whose
plan?! No offense to the leadership of
AIM intended, but I don’t want this experience to follow your formula or
template. I don’t want the time I have
left to be categorized into the patterns that you’ve noticed. I don’t even dare place my own expectations
of all this.
And yet. . .
that’s completely okay, say Jake the logistics guru and Allison the awesome
squad leader. I don’t know what to
think of this month, with all the misgivings and stretching and challenges and
victories and joys. . . but that doesn’t bother God. We might experience tension between polar opposites, but God is
not two-dimensional or dichotomous.
So if anyone
is reading this that actually has never met me and is considering this crazy
way to spend eleven months. . . please don’t imagine or forecast it based on my
ramblings. I’m telling you not to drink
the kool aid – but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. . .
Does
that make any sense? If it does, that’s
okay. And if it doesn’t, that’s okay
too.
