It’s a dry season. There aren’t other words to describe it.
I am quick to recognize the common graces in each day. I remember God’s love in each cup of coffee
(especially the ones from our new French press containing Starbucks grounds…), in each hug from my
teammates/squadmates, in every echo of laughter that rings out through the compound here in Peru, in
every gorgeous sunset.
I know my God, my faithful Savior, my Redeemer who is certainly the same whether I’m in a place of
spiritual overflow or severe drought. He has promised that He is ever-present and I know this to be
true. While there aren’t doubts of whether I’m loved by God, by my team, by my squad, by my family –
there is still a nagging coldness and something in me that, though knowing, doesn’t resonate with this
love. Something isn’t quickened by it.
In this state and through some discussions here at the compound, God is revealing much in me that
needs to be mortified. Upon hearing Joshua (one of our squad leaders) apologize to us ladies on N Squad for the men in our past who may have hurt us and assure us that as daughters of God, we are worth pursuing, worth loving, not too much, beautiful, and worth loving as we are, my thought process was truly alarming. I could look into the face of every woman on my squad and see these things to be true for every single one of them… but didn’t think it to be true for me. I thought myself to be the exception to all of these things.
Just a night or two before this I admitted to my team something I couldn’t even admit to myself not long
before… there was such a root of self-loathing within me. This manifested itself in many ways: I like to
be seen as intelligent because I feel ignorant in SO many areas, I love people to think I’m strong because
I hate them knowing my failures (I don’t even mind failing as much as mind people actually knowing
about said failures…), I hate my looks, my inability to finish things (which I track back to not wanting to
finish things because I may not succeed and therefore, be thought a failure), the fact that I specialize in
nothing, haven’t succeeded in goals I’ve set for myself, and so many more things…
Overall this list reveals that I have searched for my value in all the wrong things, and in essence, I’ve
idolized and worshipped myself.
And in the end this proves only one thing: I make a shitty functional savior.
I have operated functionally as one with no hope outside of myself and my abilities.
And it is for this reason that I am in desperate need of a Savior.
I’d forgotten what it means to be in Christ.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit
of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law,
weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin,
he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in
us, who walk not according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the
flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds
on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness.” Romans 8:1-10
This dry season has not yet passed, but knowing that it certainly will and God is still faithful, I am
resolute to continue reveling in the truths of who I am in Him.
“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the
right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you
have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also
will appear with him in glory.”
Colossians 3:1-4
Colossians 3:1-4
“Even in the valley you are faithful,
You’re working for our good and for Your glory.
Your plans are still to prosper, you have not forgotten us.
You’re with us in the fire, in the flood.
Faithful forever, perfect in love,
You are sovereign over us!”
– Aaron Keyes
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(I'll add photos to this blog soon! My computer was stolen last month and I'm on a borrowed netbook without my memory card…)
