The first picture of the month is taken, edited in Instagram, and hashtagged with Month Eleven. Two words that will cause just about any World Racer to hyperventilate. It’s the point of the Race where going home becomes a reality. Don’t get me wrong. We are excited to come home. We miss our friends, family, and of course, CFA. It’s hard to explain this limbo state.
How do you respond to “how was your year” in a way that people can truly grasp what you’ve been through and accomplished over the last eleven months? How do you answer where your favorite place was when every country stole a piece of your heart in some way? How do you restrain yourself from punching the people who ask how your “vacation” was? How do you explain “what’s next” when the dreams God has now given you seem astronomical compared to the Race itself? How do you give your friends and family feedback without them thinking you’re crazy? What do you do when it’s time to go to the grocery store and you don’t have to abide by the buddy system anymore, so you brave the store alone only to have a meltdown in the cereal aisle because of all the options that are now available? Will I remember to use silverware after eating with my hands for the last two months? What language will I use? What’s the currency? Exchange rate? Time change? These are just a few of the questions that are now racing through our minds after we hear those two words “month eleven.”
We were given a reentry packet several months ago and just reading the title made me anxious. I was able to spend some time in my hammock and reflect over the last year that seems to have flown by faster than I could’ve imagined. I was reminded of one of the goals I set for myself the first week of the Race.
“I want to be more bold and confident in the fact that I have a voice and that God knows me by name, can use me, and has a perfect plan for me that will better His kingdom.”
Seems simple enough for God, right? Of course He can do all of those things. But was I willing to let Him?
Over the last few months, I’ve been trying to understand God as my Father. I wanted to experience this intimacy that my team challenged me to find in Him. What was stopping that?
ME!
I thought if I read my Bible enough, prayed a hundred times a day, or listened to the latest “Oceans” by Hillsong, then maybe I could find it. If I did enough, God would show up. My mind then went to a works mentality. Not good. I had to be in control of everything. I essentially was trying to be God to myself. I didn’t trust Him with the things that only He should be trusted with. If I unclenched my fists, that meant I had trust in something or someone other than myself. As I began to realize these tendencies, thanks to my team, I could slowly release them to God. I was able to allow Him the space He needed to mend my state of brokenness. Only He could repair the tears deep within.
Going through this process showed me the intimacy I had been searching for. In fact, it led me to preach two sermons last month fulfilling the goal I had set in Guatemala. I used my voice. I not only used my voice, but I preached about a struggle I had for some time…understanding God’s love.
I pray every day that I will continue to have these encounters with God. I pray that He will remind me of His love and desire to have an intimate relationship with me. I pray that I never take for granted all of the time I spent hand washing my clothes either in a river or a bucket. I pray that I never resent the African red dirt that coats my feet within minutes of showering. I pray that when I am able to drive my own car, I remember all of the days I spent crammed on a chicken bus with hardly enough breathing room. I pray I never forget the friendships I’ve made in the countries I’ve been to. I pray that Squishy’s laugh will forever resonate in my heart. I pray that I will remember my squad as loving me well and my team the family that showed me what community truly is. I pray that when I spend time with my brothers, I’m reminded of the men on my team who changed the negative way I saw the entire male population. I pray that I’m reminded every day of the sisterhood that I now have a better understanding of. I pray that when my life seems boring, I remember all of the things I’ve done that most people never get to do. I pray that through all of these things I ultimately remember to enjoy God. That’s all life boils down to.
