During the fall in the Garden of Eden, when the serpent played on Eve’s deepest struggles, doubt and insecurity, why didn’t Adam fight for her? Why did Adam, who knew her intimately, passively stand by her side and watch her as she listened to the enemy and fall into his cunning temptation. Why didn’t Adam try to say something or do anything to protect her heart? Adam had every opportunity to not only be her hero, but to prevent the rest of the world until eternity from reaping in the curses and sin that their actions caused all of humanity.
In China, fathers are the head of the household and they have the final say in the family. In the larger cities of China families are only allowed to have one child to keep the population under control. We learned last month that when some families give birth to a daughter they will then place her up for adoption in the hopes of giving birth to a son so the father can pass on his name. Why is passing on the father’s name more important than passing on his love to his daughter?
In Thailand, families are deceived and offered jobs for their children in the cities as additional means of income. The job results in children being sold into slavery. However, when poverty reaches its lowest point, out of starvation and desperation, some families in villages knowingly result to selling their children into the trafficking industry. As a result, prostitution is so prevalent and is almost accepted as an easy way for young girls to make money; and also an easy way for men to temporarily escape their lives for a moment of pleasure. How hungry must a father become to sell his children into a life of laborious pain? How hurt, lost, and wounded must a man be to exchange a small sum of cash for an hour of lust with her body?
Hearing testimony after testimony of the women on my team, I can’t help but notice a common theme in each female’s story. The men in their lives- fathers, brothers, and significant others, were too passive, too busy, too guarded, too overbearing, or were not around at all to love them in the way they needed to be loved. As a result, one of two things happened: she kept her heart wide open while striving to find love and affirmation from anyone or she closed up, guarded, and hid her heart in a dusty box on a shelf in the back of her closet. And so her doubts begin. If her own father never told her how much he loved her, if he neglected the family and was never around, if he was around, but never took the time to understand who his daughter is and how she longed to be loved, what would make her think that she is even worth being loved by the God of the universe?
As Brent Curtis and John Eldredge wrote in The Sacred Romance: Sometimes we wonder if we’ve ever been noticed. Father was too busy to come to our games, or perhaps he jumped ship altogether. Mother was lost in a never-ending pile of laundry or, more recently, in her own career. We come into the world longing to be special to someone and from the start we are disappointed. It is a rare soul indeed who has been sought after for who she is- not because of what she can do, or what others can gain from her, but simply for herself. Can you recall a time when a significant someone in your life sat you down with the sole purpose of wanting to know your heart more deeply, fully expecting to enjoy what he found there? More people have climbed Mt. Everest than have experienced real pursuit, and so what are we left to conclude? There is nothing in our hearts worth knowing.
Knowingly, I leave the aforementioned questions unanswered, but I believe God is still in the process of teaching me more about His heart on these issues. So for now, I leave these questions lingering…
To every father, brother, and significant other I (Samie) write:
Dear Men,
You have huge shoes to fill. You are physical examples of God to us. When you truly love us we see God through you and come alive as you delight in us. When you withhold love from us- we wonder what it is about who we are that is not good enough or is too much, too emotion, or too unworthy to receive love from you and, ultimately, from God?
After reading this, you may be wondering, “What now?” or “How do I love the women in my life better?” Or you may have the never-ending question, “What do women want?”
We want to be known.
“But wait, I thought you said women just want to be loved?” you might be thinking. We do, but how can we be loved if we are not known? We long to be pursued until we are known. We need to be led, fought for, and protected so that we are confident in your love for us. Would you be bold enough to ask us to share with you the way in which we feel loved the most? I dare you to not only ask, but to listen genuinely and then give your best attempt to love us in that way. (A useful tool is something called The Five Love Languages. Find out your daughter, sister, mother, or significant other’s love language, how she feels and receives love, and be willing to try to express love to her in that way. Love Language Click Here)
We need you to try, step up, and be willing to become vulnerable enough to attempt to connect deeper with us. If you have hurt us or caused us pain, then we need to you to defenselessly and selflessly own that sin you committed against us, no matter how big or small. Be willing to have that uncomfortable conversation so we can learn to mend our relationship and begin to foster trust again with you. Out of fear of failure, please don’t quit on us. We would rather you awkwardly try to connect with and love us in new ways than never try at all. We would rather you try and seemingly fail, we are not expecting perfection; instead we value the beauty in your broken pursuit of us. We measure your strength and courage by the way in which you offer your time and self to fight to know us more.
I hate to break it to you, but as Andy Stanley once said, your role within your job is replaceable. It doesn’t matter who you are or what your position is, others do exist that could be hired to do your job well, and some could even do it better. However, your role in your relationships is irreplaceable. Please think twice before giving 110% to your career while leaving nothing left of yourself to invest in the women who love you the most.
And most importantly, if you are not pursuing God more than you are pursuing us, or if you are seeking from us what you should be seeking from Him, we will know and feel there is something missing. We absolutely need you to love us out of an overflowing love for God.
After reading, my fear is that you already know all of this and yet choose to sit on the sidelines anyway. When it comes to being relational, intentional, or when the going gets tough do you knowingly choose the easy route of self-preservation and abstention?
Help me believe in you. I want to believe in you. I want to believe that you still have more than enough left in you to passionately and courageously love the women in your life well!
Sincerely,
Samie
“>Fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do
