–Leo Tolstoy
According to Tostoy, I am not much like everyone else. For the past two years I have been working hard on changing myself. Like Andy Stanley puts it, I have been trying to “become the person, the person I am looking for is looking for.” I have been intentionally using this season of singleness to invest in my future relationship(s) by really trying to discover who I am while working on becoming who God wants me to be.
I have no problem confessing my sins to the Lord. I am not slow to admit that I am a wrongful sinner. Problems in my past stemmed from a lack of believing and walking out being forgiven. When my insecurities are at their finest, I struggle with believing that I am forgiven and letting the Lord take my sin from me as far as the east is to the west. As a result, at times my doubt and insecurities cause distance between God and myself. Because of the distance from the source of my strength in the past I have ended up in the same sins over and over. Wallowing repeatedly in the same sin reassured my insecurities and caused me to doubt the power of God in my own life.
I fully believe that God can say to any mountain move and it will move (Matt. 17:20-21). I have issues confidently believing that all of God’s promises are true when they relate to me and what I think I desire the most. Beth Moore once said that God’s promise to give us the desire of our hearts is true. She went on to say that, “God will either give us the desire of our hearts or change our hearts’ desires.” Either way, God will give us the desire of our hearts because He said so (Ps. 37:4). Honestly, my fear is that God will change the desire of my heart and I will miss out on the opportunities that I long for and the relationships that I have been hoping for.
Even as I type this I realize how selfish I sound even admitting these fears and insecurities. I have known precious children that have been robbed of their futures because of illness. I have met families in third world countries who are living and thriving even in the midst of their poverty. And here I am concerned that my desires will never be met… #FirstWorldProblems. As one of my team members said, I pray that God will use this mission experience to “teach me to get over myself.”
Because I am a visual learner, having faith in the things that God will do in my future is hard for me to see. But when I reflect back on every event in my life, I have NO reason to doubt that God is fully for me and will provide. My God has never failed me and continues to blow me away daily. He continues to show me how he loves me in a very personal way. He has even fulfilled desires that I never verbalized and hopes that I thought were too silly or insignificant to waste on a prayer.
I cling to the promise that, “he who began a good work in you [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ” Phil. 1:6. I am working on trading in my selfishness in thinking that my desires and plans are far better than anything God has in store for me. I am working on overcoming my self-centered doubt that His blood, forgiveness, and grace are not enough for me. I am daily becoming more and more confident of who Christ is in me, in spite of me, because of who He is.
…Before changing the world, my prayer is that God will refine my heart and replace it with selflessness, total faith, and confidence in God’s promises in my life while redirecting my focus from myself to Him.
