I have been waiting to live and serve in a third world country on the mission field for years now. I have been praying, discussing, and researching about doing the World Race for a long while. I have asked the Lord for total clarity and for complete open windows or distinct shut doors. I received countless crystal clear answers and everything has easily fallen into place in preparation for signing up for the trip.
Why am I freaking out now when it is time to click the button and accept my acceptance onto my team?
I can recall experiences growing up that I was overjoyed about and really looked forward to. For example, my first Martha Bowman MUMC youth trip a local mission trip to Melbourne, FL the summer before going into 7th grade. I was so excited and completely nervous that I did not sleep the night before and came very close to backing out before the trip. I only had one close friend that I knew on the trip and was the youngest participant. That youth trip changed my life. I continued to attend every mission trip, youth camp, weekend trip, Student Pursuit, and Bible study that I could attend until I graduated high school.
I have missed out on opportunities that could have been life changing because of this side of me that wants to throw in the towel because of nervous and fear before I ever even begin.
For any of you who think I am “courageous” for doing something like this, think again. I am full of fear. But I also know that this is what I asked for and the Lord said “Yes. Go.” I told my family, “if I try to turn back now I could end up in the belly of a whale!”
I am afraid of:
- Failure
- Being open, vulnerable, and being known
- Becoming emotionally invested and then not being able to go because of lack of fundraising or health problems – if we are being real, I don’t have the best luck in good health
- Being sent home because of failure to meet financial deadlines or due to catching malaria or yellow fever
- Missing out on family, friends, and life back home
I know my whole world is about to change. That I am not afraid of. I pray that God will use the World Race to cast out the spirit of fear and timidity that is in my blood.
A dear sweet friend reminded me in regard to this trip that, “courage is bravery in spite of fee.” Obviously fee was supposed to be written as fear. And at times I am afraid of the entire mission, especially fundraising. But if you are reading this, then I committed, fearful or not, and am trading in my fear for faith a little bit at a time.
