Dear friends.
This has been an interesting month. I want to apologize ahead of time for the lack of photos. We just haven’t taken many.
Life is intense here. We never really know what our day is going to look like or what we are going to be walking into. If you’ve read my last two blogs, you have a slight idea of what I’m talking about*. (And that was not our last encounter with demonic manifestations.)
Anyway, through all of this the Lord has been doing quite the work inside of me. I want to start off with saying that, I have not arrived yet…actually I’m not even close, but He has been continually poking and prodding at me all month.
I believe I wrote about this earlier, but I recommitted my life to the Lord, and ever since that day He has been calling me to a higher standard.
Suddenly verses like Matthew 10:38,
“[Jesus talking] And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not
worthy of Me�
and Luke 9:23,
“[Jesus talking] If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me�
are starting to take on a whole new meaning. What does it mean to take up ones cross—or to deny yourself daily? It must be important because Jesus says that if you’re not willing to do it, you’re not worthy of being called His. What does this look like?
The Lord has been talking to me a lot about living a holy life. He has been asking me to give up a lot of things (music, movies, sarcasm, etc.) that I have come very comfortable with. And let me tell you, I have come up with every excuse in the book to tell Him no; to hold onto whatever it is He’s asking me to let go of.
But, He has been repeatedly reminding me that this is what it means to deny myself, to pick up my cross and follow Him.
If I want to be used by Him like I say I do, I need to be a clean vessel before Him. I cannot be one Samara at one point in the day and then a whole other Samara during ‘ministry time’. I cannot look like this world and then stand up against the powers of this world. If I want to be used by my Lord like I say I do, then it’s time for me to get serious.
And it has been hard. Very hard.
If I can be completely honest, I haven’t felt this lonely and far from Papa in a long time. I cannot explain why I feel like I do. I am exhausted and completely drained.
But, I suppose death (especially on a cross) is never easy. And I’m pretty sure that Jesus never promised ease. In fact, I’m pretty sure He promised the opposite—He promised persecution and the world’s hatred.
I don’t know why I feel so far away from Papa, but I know the truth. I know what the word says and I know who I’m looking at. James 4:8-10 says,
“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.�
I feel like these verses sum up my life right now. I am being cleansed and purified and humbled, and while the process is not one of laughter, but of lamenting, mourning and weeping, in the end, He will lift me up. And that’s more than I could ever ask for.
Thank you all for your love and your prayers. Your support of this experience has helped Papa mold and change me forever. The World Race is absolutely not what I signed up for, but I could not have asked for anything better.
PS! We’re on our way to INDIA!!
I love you.
*Quick update: After the meeting with the Super Attendant at Central View High School the Super Attendant decided to close the school down for a week and send all the students home so that he could get things straightened out. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but please keep that school, that man and those girls in your prayers. We were not able to ever follow up with any of the girls.
