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Hello my loves.
I want to start
this blog out with the simple fact that I have a definite love/hate
relationship with Africa. Yes.
I love Africa.
I love the people, I love the scenery, the love the culture, I love
their passion and enthusiasm. I love ‘Africa time’. I love the
food. I love the animals. I am certain that I need to adopt an
African child one day because they are my favorite. I love Africa.
On the other
hand. I hate Africa. And as my third month in Africa is beginning,
I am definitely over being on this continent..
This is my
second stay on this vast continent. And I know that you can not
determine patterns from only two examples. I know that. But, I’m
going to anyway.
So, it seems to
be a pattern in my life, that when God needs to ‘fix’ things inside
of me, when He needs to alter attitudes or thought processes…He
takes me to Africa.
Last time I was
in Africa, I was with my bestie bestie…but had one of the hardest
months ever. I came home thinking, “I will never go back to
Africa.” The ‘hard’ stuff that I dealt with, was mostly pride
centered And the Lord took my month in South Africa and Mozambique
to correct a lot of wrong attitudes that I had been carrying around.
And to humble me.
He also
established the fact that I will be a full time missionary in my
heart, while at the same time telling me that of course I’m called
to be a full time missionary, we all are. That’s what it means to be
a follower of Christ. We are to be missionaries everyday,
everywhere.
Here begins my
life amid the many paradoxes of God.
I went home and
was faced with a lot of stuff that Papa and I needed to work out.
Well, here I am
again. Where I said I would never be. And once again, I feel like I
am stuck in the middle of at least three paradoxes that may at any
moment tear me apart.
The Lord is
working on making me a much more gentle, softer spoken person, all
the while calling me to speak up and be more bold. The Lord is
teaching me so much about my discernment and teaching me to listen to
it, while, at the same time, telling me that I am not allowed to
judge anybody…even if He gives me discernment about them. He is
calling me to be behind the scenes, doing His work without having to
get human attention for it, while at the same time, shining the light
on me and putting me in the forefront…all the time.
I feel like I’m
in the middle of a balancing act with all these things piled up on my
head and that I could fall over at any minute spilling everything all
over the ground.
I feel like the
more I’m learning about everything, the more I realize that I know
nothing at all.
I’m realizing
just how BIG our God is and how small I am, and how little He needs
me…but at the same time I’m realizing how powerful my influence is
and my words are because of the authority He’s given me through Jesus
Christ.
Basically, I
don’t know what to do with myself. I have brought this up with the
Lord countless times. He knows how much pain I’m going through…He
likes to call them growing pains. That annoys me.
This blog was
supposed to take a completely different direction, but that’s ok.
This is where I am. I’m in Uganda…eight days until I get to go
white water rafting and bungee jumping on the Nile River…freaking
out because I don’t know what to do with myself.
I mean
seriously. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I don’t
know how to do anything on my own anymore. Anything. I barely know
how to talk or pray. But, I suppose this is right where He wants me.
100% dependent. I place I’ve been running from my entire life.
Well, here I am
Lord….Yours.
