I’ve been officially signed up to go on this trip for right around six months now, and let me tell you…now that there are only 4 months until I leave, (and only TWO months until training camp) I have never been more excited about anything in my life.
The best way to describe it is that feeling you used to get when you were 10 and December came around. Christmas was all you could think about. Every morning you wake up and you’re a day closer. I can only imagine that as the days turn to weeks and I get even closer to leaving that this great anticipation will continue to increase. I don’t even know how I’m going to be able to contain myself when I get back from training camp.
I can only owe this joy to God. And I think it’s so overwhelmingly strong to me at this time in my life because I let it go for a while. In the past few months, if you would have asked me what is the one thing that can bring me joy and happiness, of course my response would be Jesus. He’s the one you can always count on. He will never leave me or forsake me. He’s by my side no matter what. I know that, but my actions lately may have confused some that heard my answer. Because from about October-January, I put my love, happiness, time, and thoughts in a boy. I see now how the devil used things that are my weakness (romance/cute boys) to cloud my thoughts and let me think that a guy was going to bring me true joy.
There were many times when I felt God pressing on my heart that I needed to end things, but I resisted and made excuses. He gave me many different chances to end things with him and I continued to put myself in the same situation. Finally, the guy chose to be with another girl who was a better fit for him. I was very upset about it, and felt rejected and alone until I heard my brother make this analogy in Sunday school the other week, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I’m paraphrasing here, but he basically said “One day I’m going to have a daughter. And when she is outside playing and starts walking out toward the street, I’m going to say “Hey, get back here.” And hope she listens. If she continues to walk toward the street I’m going to say “Hey! Get back here!” and hope she listens. But at the end of the day, if she doesn’t listen to me and she’s still going toward the street, I’m going to grab her by the back of her shirt and pull her up, out of harms way before she gets out on the street. And that’s what God does to us.”
God used my brother to speak to me, to say “Don’t think you’re unlovable or rejected or stupid, but you weren’t listening to me and so I had to make it to where you didn’t have a choice anymore. I love you too much to let you go out into the street.”
My eyes have been opened to so much in the past couple weeks, and it’s insane to think about how much I was hurting just a month ago, and how much God has healed me and shown me His love and grace. He keeps speaking to me in different ways and I’m loving it! I thought that guy was making me happy, but only God can bring me the joy I have right now 🙂
One more thing…Kendra (a fellow squad mate) wrote this on her blog, and then specifically told me I should go read it and it really spoke to me.
Unfortunately our unhappiness manifests itself in the idea that we need someone or something else. That THEY or IT will make us happy and that we will finally fill our void. So you know what we do? We crave any and everything. We fill up our voids with a relationship, sex, flirting, and distractions. We go and date someone and become OH SO HAPPY when we are together, our life is just COMPLETE, but then when the relationship ends—our happiness is broken and shattered. Our satisfaction is back to square one and we are out chasing the next temporary fix.
Y’all the truth is, we were created with a longing that can only be filled in our relationship with God. That void that you are filling up with temporary fixes is meant to be filled up with the joy that our King gives us. So when those relationships do end, when pain comes, our joy is still there because we serve an almighty and loving Savior. It’s funny, because God knew we would be prone to wonder—but we can only be prone to wonder if we have a foundation that we are leaving and running from. That foundation is our King. He knew that without that longing we would just wonder and run around, but He put it there in such an undeniable way that we would come back to Him.
Sorry that this blog was pretty long and kind of all over the place. I was originally just going to blog about how happy I am right now in God’s love and then I just felt the need as I was writing to go a little bit deeper to give everyone some insight on what I’m going through. I’m so thankful for the opportunity to be going on this trip and I can’t wait to start.
It’s amazing when I look back on my life, even just a few months, and see how far God has brought me. I am so thankful for a relentless pursuer, a lover, a friend, a rock, a king, a dad…ah! Seriously He is making me so giddy these days! Anyways, I hope I didn’t bore or confuse anyone. I am a pretty spastic blogger.
Please continue to pray for me! That’s another thing…I’ve been really aware of the power of prayer these days, but that a whole different story 🙂 Love ya’ll!
-Sadie
