Fears. Right now, you just had several of yours fly through your brain as you frantically tried to push them back into that dark spot where you try not to go. That is completely natural. I have to be honest folks, I am fear-full. Fearful of many things. And i'm not just talking about spiders and snakes (although I am not too fond of them either). This post will expose me deeply, so if you don't want to get to know me that well, stop reading here. If you do, well, get ready. Here are the fears that I have been holding on to and carrying around with me recently:
- Fear of helpless feelings. In my opinion, feeling helpless is one of, if not THE WORST feeling in the human feeling-spectrum.
- Fear that God will so radically change my life, I will end up someone that I don't really want to be, and the people at home may not recognize me, in a bad way.
- Fear that God will put FULL-TIME missions in foreign countries on my heart.
- Fear that God (this is a sensitive one) will call me to be celibate, that I will never get to experience the pride of a father as his son makes his first free throw, hits his first double, lands his first dismount, or builds his first lego set. That I won't get to pour into my kids the way that my Christ-like parents have poured (and continue to pour) into me. That I will never get to experience the unconditional love and partnership of a wife.
- Fear of being unwanted.
- Fearful of the fact that God called me to be a leader on this World Race (I warned you I was being honest and exposed…)
- Fearful of all the things that could go "wrong" on this trip.
- Fear of uncomfortability (I know, I know, i'm the ONLY one who enjoys my comforts of home, like a nice big bed and big blankets, running water to drink and hot showers).
- Fear of what will be exposed in me through this trip that I may not even be aware of.
These are some of my biggest fears that I have just been being weighed down with recently. Do you want to know something ironic? As i sit here and write this blog, I think of the t-shirt that my younger sister Caylie designed for me and the verse that I chose to put on the back of it. Isaiah 41:10. I'll go ahead and type it out for you so that you don't have to go and find your Bible to understand the full irony of this moment–
" So DO NOT FEAR, for I AM WITH YOU; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will STRENGTHEN you and HELP you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Do you see the irony? I do not have this whole fear thing figured out, far from it actually. But what I was reminded of this evening, and what I want to pass on to all of you wonderful folks is this: GOD CAN BE TRUSTED. I am fearful, yes. BUT I am choosing to write out these fears and pray through them, asking God to take my burdens because he CARES FOR ME. HE will be with us, he will strengthen us, he's got us in his awesomely righteous right hand. I choose to trust God, to seek God, and to continue telling him my fears, because then, and only then are my fears relieved and my burdens lightened.
For those of you who watched VeggieTales as a kid, this is especially for you:
