Life…
Life here on earth is not always rainbows and butterflys… Actually, that’s pretty literally accurate, because it doesn’t always rain and there’s a lot of other insects and bugs than butterfly’s, not to mention that in winter time they don’t really exist… I mean they do, just not really.
Anyways… That’s the kind of humor I’ve been needing, because these days I haven’t caught myself smiling or laughing too much… Actually, I haven’t really had authentic joy in quite some time… Because. Well… Life’s been tough.
To be brief and quite frank, I’ll tell ya where I’m coming from… And at the end, you might realize that not after every story is there a happy ending or a view of light at the end of the tunnel… Sometimes, there’s just dark or empty cliffhangers… And nothing but black because you’re still in the middle of the tunnel…
I’m currently almost at three weeks of being here in Malayisa, and I can say with what confidence I do have, it hasn’t been fun or enjoyable.
Before we even got here, we had team changes.. And I wasn’t a real happy person. Plus, on the plane ride from New York to Dubai, I had a revelation about death… Seeing all these people on the plane from different ethnicities and religions really smacked me in the face of a reality I’ve never really witnessed before. And not in a “they’re different and I dont like it” way, but because if what I believe is true then all these people are heading towards an eternal reality of death and destruction… And I’m just sitting there… Questioning everything I’ve ever learned or been taught about my faith in God….
So I wasn’t really coming into Malaysia on a good note…
And after being here, numb and confused, I began to start wandering in the wilderness… So to speak..
I didn’t realize it right off the bat, but I was wandering… I was lost… I was confused…
And for the past few weeks, that’s where I’ve been… Wandering hopelessly into the unknown…
The past week or so has been… Well it’s been the worst.
My heart got hard. My mind was spinning. My faith was weak. My motivation for missions was gone. My fruits of the Spirit vanished… I entered into a place of wilderness and a state of wandering.
And physically speaking, our living situation isn’t great, its hotter than all get out, my annoyance level increased 500%, food and water isn’t super convenient to get, ministry has been slow, and I’m not really a fan of where we are located…
But the biggest thing that ultimately led to these things was my spirituality… Everything I’ve ever been taught and everything I’ve read in Scripture and believed to be true was now being questioned… Because what I have read and believed in just wasn’t coming true… It wasn’t happening… Gods Word was seemingly failing… My foundation shattered, and there I was. Lost…
And I’m here in Malaysia, month 4 of the race, and I don’t even have confidence in why I’m here and what I’m doing… I’m here, in an unfamiliar land with a foreign language and a group of people I call my team that I don’t even really know… And NOW I’m wandering spiritually? Ha. That’s real fun.
Back in Guatemala, my house became my family… My teammates became friends which became brothers and sisters… I’ve never loved people the way I loved those group of people… And now the closest one is 5 hours away… There’s no running for comfort. There’s no arms stretched wide open for me to fall in… There’s no life giving truth being reaffirmed into my life… They’re not with me… And when this is a perfect time to go to God, you can’t really go to Him when you’re questioning everything you’ve ever believed and not even sure if He’s the God He says He is? So… There’s no running to anyone… There’s just wandering.
This is life… I’m not big on sugarcoating or just buying into something because other people are. I want the real thing and I’m not gonna buy into something unless I’m convinced by its authenticity…
So you know what. Life sucks sometimes… But just because it sucks doesn’t mean game over.
It just means it’s time to stand up and face reality. It means when you get punched in the face, kicked in the shins, and pushed on the ground, you get back up and ask for more… Because when you face it for what it is and go to those hard places in search for authenticity of the truth, you’ll eventually find what you’re looking for. It may not be fun, but never stop seeking what is true. I entered into a dark place of wandering because I’m not content for settling.. I wanted more of God, and it took me into a route of painful molding and sculpting… But just because it’s dark and painful doesn’t mean it’s bad.
I asked God to renew me to continue to become more and more like him. I wanted to know God, not just believe in him. I sought after His power, not just His Word. I long for confidence in what He’s promised His people. I’m hungry for truth. I’m not content with just reading His Word, I need His Word to come alive. I don’t wanna just hear about and believe in the Holy Spirit, I need to witness Him and the power that comes with Him. If Scripture says the Holy Spirit is our guarantee for us being His people and that we can do greater things than Christ himself because He has sent the Holy Spirit, then cmon… Let me see it. Let me know it.
And I can say that after some time of wandering, I think I can see light… I think…
I’m putting the Word to the test.
I’m in search of what it actually means to walk with God and follow Christ. I’ve been told a lot in my life time.. But it’s time the Spirit reveals the truth… It’s time to end what I want to believe and know, and believe and know what the reality and truth is.
This wandering isn’t over… But I’m walking forward… And I believe that even though I’ve been lost and consumed by darkness, He’s been walking with me every step of the way. And we’re still on our way out of the wandering… Together.
This is a fragile walk, and I’ve already been beaten down by what’s been thrown my way… But yet I’m still on my feet… Burdens have been lifted and perspectives have been changed…
If you let him, God will take you to some awesome crazy radical places… But He never promises a straight and smooth path… Sometimes the path He needs to take you is wandering through the wilderness.. All you gotta do is trust him.. How hard can that be? 😉 (The answer is hard… Very hard… Especially when you doubt everything you once believed!)
And know that even though this isn’t the brightest news in the world, God’s hand is in Malaysia. God is moving and using some pretty awesome people to do His will. Keep praying for Malaysia and keep praying for our squad. Pray that we may live out our lives as people who meet with God, and that it’s evident in the fruit we produce.
Thanks for reading, God bless.
– Ryan Farmer
