Dying Ain’t Pretty

I turned 33 a couple days ago.

Apparently it’s the “crucifying year.”

Jesus was 33 when he was nailed to the cross.

     The bottom line is this my friends – dying ain’t pretty.

     In my head I get that my “old self” was crucified with Christ. I get that I’ve been raised to new life with Him as well. And I realize that’s a one-time deal. I don’t have to keep going back and killing the old Rusty. That dude is dead.

     However, the “sinful nature” is something else. The sinful nature is the flesh and as long as we live on this earth we will always battle the flesh’s desires and passions.

     That’s what we must die to – the “desires and passions” of our sinful nature.

     This is a very messy process for me.

     Back in the day, the passions and desires of my sinful nature were very easy to spot – drinking, partying, drugs and all kinds of other junk. Today though, they are much harder to find. I’ve learned on this trip that I am extremely prideful, controlling and judgmental. But it goes a hell of a lot deeper. It goes all the way back to the Garden when Adam and Eve chose to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

     Let me give you a quick back-story.

     You see, the serpent promised Adam and Eve that if they ate from that tree they would become like God – that they would be able to determine for THEMSELVES what was good or evil. So in essence by eating the fruit Adam and Eve were saying, “In the future we will make decisions based on OUR knowledge of good and evil. We don’t need you God.” They chose the path of independence. This way leads to death.

     But there was another tree in the middle of that garden – The Tree of Life. This tree represents Jesus. This tree is the path of dependence on God. This tree provides eternal life.

     It’s a simple choice.

Tree of knowledge of good and evil = independence = DEATH

     I’ve been choosing to decide for MYSELF what is good and right for my life. I’ve been choosing independence.

     This trip has brought me to the end of my strength. I can’t save myself from this freakin’ hell that I live in each day. I can’t tell you how sick I am of bumpy rickshaw rides, jerk rickshaw drivers that want more money ONLY BECAUSE I’m WHITE, inconsistent electricity, sleeping on a thermarest with so much deep skin on it that it feels like I’m in bed with someday. I’m sick of the fact NO ONE has change. If you try to pay for something in a big bill these folks can’t break it. It’s like that all over the world. I’m sick of the inconsistency of EVERYTHING. Oh yeah, I’m also sick of this country not having any beef in it. 

I WANT COMFORT! AND I WANT IT NOW! I’M DONE WITH THIS S—! PERIOD

     It’s nuts what crucifying the desires of our sinful nature will do to a man. It’s turned me into something that’s not very pretty. I am learning REAL fast that I can’t wake up early for Jesus unless I have a hot cup of coffee and a chair waiting on me. We have no chairs or coffee here. So instead I just sleep in. I’ve learned that my language turns EXTREMELY foul when I can’t satisfy the desires of my flesh.

     I’ve watched my faith waver as my comfort level has dropped. My hope for the future God has for me looks a lot LESS appealing with each passing day of this “third world living” crap. I’m fearful that serving God means living like this – in this hot, hell house forever and ever and ever. And now I’m at the point of, “screw this whole path of dependence crap! Let me find a new way!”

     So here’s a typical look at MY path – it’s a path of comfort, security, no risk and stability. I think, “Maybe I’ll go home and get back in TV – make good money and live a quiet, easy life somewhere.”

     What’s wrong with that huh? – I’m living a good, respectable life. So what’s problem? That’s not the life God has called me to. See, that’s MY path, MY plan – not HIS! And By choosing this path I’m choosing the way of independence – which as I said before leads to death.

     This is HIS path for my life – HIS plan. This is a path that requires my total dependence on HIM.

     Problem is, all this crap I’m going thru here has clouded that call. It’s caused me to seriously ask is this really the way I want to go. After all, I am throwing a baby, hissy fit right here in India. My flesh is dying and it’s close to taking my HOPE with it.

     Here’s what weird though, in a strange way – I love this stuff. I know I’m crucifying that f-ing, fit throwing little boy inside me. I’m killing the boy that always got his way. And in his place a man is being brought forward – a man that depends ONLY on God. This man won’t be swayed by the desires of his flesh. He will not be tossed to and fro like a wave in the sea. He will walk in freedom. But folks, freedom ALWAYS comes with a price – and that price is suffering. Suffering brings freedom. Christ suffered at the hands of sinful men so that HE could win freedom over death. I suffered through hell so that I could win freedom over alcohol and drugs.

     And right now I’m suffering through the loss of my pride, control and judgments so that I can walk freely into the man God has called me to be.

     I’m being crucified.

     I’m 33 years old – and I’ve started my life.