OK, so if you’ve read my last few blogs then you can see these past few days I’ve been trying to wrestle down this whole concept of “receiving God’s love” – getting totally naked in front of Him. And what do you know; in my nakedness He exposed something to me.
I still find my joy, worth and identity in what I “do” or in my role.
Roles! Geesh! Man, roles can kill us, and they will enslave us if we let them. Thing is though, we all have roles in our lives. Some of us try to obtain them, like jobs, being a mom or dad, husband or wife; other roles people give us – labels. Obviously there are tons more, but I only have a limited amount of your time. Either way, as soon as we enter in to a role, whether intentionally or unintentionally, we are in danger of that role defining us.
For example, growing up in my small town I gained the reputation for being a wild and crazy kid. Truth be told, I really wasn’t – in the beginning. I had only gotten in trouble a couple times, but as in any small town word got around quickly. That, coupled with the fact my own father had the same type of reputation when he was growing up, made people instantly label me. Next thing I know, I’m in this role as the “wild, party guy!”
Roles create expectations. Expectations create false behavior. And once we receive approval or validation from our false behavior we find ourselves creating a false identity so when can continue to please the people around us. Because, after all, we just want to be accepted. But the problem with this false identity we created is, we are now forced to keep “putting up a front” to continue meeting the expectations that have been placed on us by our roles. And operating out of this false identity creates fear, shame and guilt. Because, deep down, we know this “false identity” is not who we really are. In fact, we are ashamed of this life we live and it makes us sick. We live in constant fear that if we are ever “found out” no one will like us.
Let me show you how this has looked in my life.
So, here I am this 15-year old kid and already I had the label as a drunk, wild, party guy. Now I’m not trying to throw a pity party here. I fully accept that I did some things that would warrant such a label. I do take responsibility for my actions. However, I still had the label, or role – and it hurt. I just figured, “OK, so ya’ll expect me to be crazy, I’ll freakin’ show you crazy then!” And off I went.
Ten years later I was completely enslaved to a lifestyle I didn’t want, BUT I had no other idea how to be. I knew this crazy, party guy was not who I really was, I knew it was not who God made me to be. You know, it’s funny I operated out of this false self to gain acceptance – which brought me worth and happiness. However, it was also that same false self that was bringing me misery.
Anyway, October 20, 2001 – I got sober. Let me tell you, the years that followed were hard as hell because I had no idea how to act. I didn’t know who I was. Slowly though, I found new roles to place myself in, whether that be my job as a TV sports guy or a man that had an ease with the ladies. And sure enough, these new roles created expectations, which led to the whole process being started all over again. Ultimately, I was right back in the spot of finding my joy and my worth in my roles.
Now, here I sit in South Africa and God showed me I was getting close to doing that AGAIN in my current role as squad leader. Crazy huh?! I’m finally learning that our happiness and joy can ONLY be found in Him. I say that because our roles ALWAYS change. And if our joy is in our roles, and roles change, then our joy is not rooted in any kind of firm foundation. Joy in the Lord is unchanging, because the Lord is unchanging. So, when change hits us, and it always will, then we are steady because our life is rooted in something steady – and that’s God.
I still haven’t found out how to make this all work in my life in a practical sense. But, I am learning that if I want to find my joy in God, then I must rid myself of everything else that I can run to. The last thing I want to do is define myself by my work in ministry. To me, this is the most dangerous role, because then we feel like we have to be perfect. And that’s when we stop being honest and then next thing you know you got some ugly church scandal on your hands. Ministers, first and foremost, can’t get caught up in that role. I already found myself trying to slide into that role – forget that! I think that’s why I’m so bent on being way in your face, BLUNT HONEST!
So yes, this year is about finding my worth in Him alone! Not anything or anyone else. I’m already seeing that in the people on my team. That’s my passion folks, seeing a whole generation waking up to who they really are – because we will never find who we are in what we do. I want to see people live in freedom from roles, freedom from expectations, freedom from having to be something they are not. I’ve lived that life. It blows! And there is NO freedom in that. Jesus came to set us free. And let me tell you, there is TRUE FREEDOM in not having to be who the world tells you to be!
And this is the message we preach – FREEDOM!
But, my friends, I need to raise more support if I want to continue bringing this message to the nations and to my team.
Here’s the deal I’m at about $11,500. I need close to $9000 more. I’ll be very honest with ya’ll. If I don’t have nearly that full total in by July 1st, my time on this trip could be very close to an end. I pray that’s not the case. I feel it’s God’s will for me to stay, but either way, I wanted to be upfront and honest about my financial stuff. So there it is.
