In my last blog I told ya’ll how the Lord said I must be like Adam and Eve and get naked in front of Him to receive His love.
Alright, so here I am – naked!
In September of ’06 I broke up with my girlfriend because I came to the conclusion I could never be the committed man she deserved. I felt like a failure. So, I decided I would “let go of the rope.” Which meant since I couldn’t be faithful, and I would never be married, I might as well just date as many woman as possible.
And it was this promiscuous life-style that brought me to the point of begging God to make me a man of integrity. I guess it only took about five months, because I started making that my prayer in January of 2007. Anyway, around that time, I found the world race on the Internet and the rest you would say is history.
Great story, right?! I’m cured! I’m healed! I’m a man of integrity! I no longer struggle with the same crap!
HA! Unfortunately that’s not the case. Now I ask myself, “Why not? What are you talking about?! I mean, I’ve been traveling the world for a year. God has worked thru me to advance His Kingdom. I’ve seen miracles before my very eyes. Heck, I’m the squad leader for the 2008 team! I should be totally and completely cured of all my iniquities! Right?”
Wrong!
Unfortunately here I sit, some 19 months later from that fateful day I said, “I’m letting go of the rope,” finding myself wanting to let go of the rope again.
I’m not in a relationship right now, but I do have someone in my life. And with this person there is the possibility of something real and lasting. Lately I have really felt like God was saying be open to future possibilities and stop pushing her away. Which, to be honest, I halfway believe that’s what He’s saying. Many times in the past I have misread God on relationship issues, so I’m a little hesitant to believe that I hear from him when it comes to girls.
Ok, so anyway, I tell her that this is what I heard from the Lord. But, in the days that follow suddenly I’m full of doubt. Fears. I start thinking of all the reasons it won’t work. Other girls become more attractive to me and I feel like maybe someone else could be the “one.” I immediately start to get down on myself because I realize I have got to take back everything I said and run from her. I have to run from her to protect her from who I really am. Which, let’s be honest – I’m a lady’s man. Or at least that’s what I’ve been told for years. Then, I start feeling guilty and shameful because I am going to hurt this sweet, innocent girl that has done nothing wrong other than fall in love with me.
Then it hits me! I went thru this nearly two years ago. Everything is the same! Right down to the same condemning crap I tell myself. So then I start asking myself, “Has anything changed?” “Are you still the same man with no integrity?” “But what about ALL these experiences I’ve had with God over the last year? Did they mean nothing?”
Welcome to my prison – the prison of Condemnation!
And the cycle goes on and on and on and on and on. It’s been this way for 16 YEARS!
How do I get out? I have no answers. Maybe just getting this out will help. James does tell us, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be HEALED.” (4:16) Because my friends, that’s all I want – is healing. I want to leave this prison I live in. I want freedom! I want to feel my Father’s love in all this!
So that’s why I am here – naked in front of you.
