“Consider it pure joy, my brothers,
whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of
your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you
may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
– James 1:2-4
Back in my second season of suffering I was
definitely not considering any of my trials pure joy. I knew I had to get
sober. I knew that was a God thing. But I was still very bitter. My job, my
girl and my identity (drinking) had been ripped from me. It’s weird really,
because I knew it was God’s power that kept me from drinking, but at the same
time I hated Him! Why?
He took Jill from me, my girlfriend at the
time. And to enrage me further, five months after I got sober – I found out she
was engaged! I was done! I was done with God! From that moment on I decided
since I couldn’t drink anymore I would just fill this hole in my heart by
pursuing as many girls as possible. So even though I got better – I also got
EXTREMELY bitter!
You see James says we’ve got to consider it
pure joy when trials come and we got to persevere because perseverance builds
us into complete, mature followers of Christ. I never became complete during
this season. Yes God used suffering to burn the drugs and alcohol out of me,
but I couldn’t stand the heat when He tried to get me to rely on Him when it
came to woman. Thing is, when I realize Jill was gone, instead of going
straight to God I went right into a relationship I had no business being in. I
didn’t persevere. And therefore I entered my season of success an incomplete
man.
By the summer of 2003 I was back in TV
doing what I loved. I felt restored, renewed, redeemed. A lot of the anger that
I carried with me the previous couple years had melted away. I was truly happy
again – for a time at least. My ties with my family were strengthened,
particularly with my sister. I discovered a true best friend in her.
I felt like I had been given a second
chance – especially in my career. I was a heck of a lot more humble. God had
beat me down, yet He had lifted me back up. I also found my bitterness toward
Him had subsided as well. One problem remained though – women. I still pretty
much had no integrity when it came to how I conducted myself with them.
However, during this time my focus was on
my job. I worked endless hours, but I really loved it. My whole desire was to
get to KATV, the ABC affiliate in Little Rock. November of 2005 I was hired on
there as a news reporter. Ten months later in August I got the call to move to
sports. It was a pimp set-up. My job was to cover everything Razorbacks. I
basically had the best TV sports job in the state. And to top it all off I was
in a relationship with a very sweet girl.
But in September of 2006 that relationship
ended pretty much because of my desire to pursue other girls. It was pretty
stupid because the relationships I wanted to pursue were hollow and meaningless
– just like I liked them at the time.
By the time January rolled around God
started talking to me. All of sudden I was disenchanted with my job. I was
already thinking, “What’s next?” To be honest, I was shocked this job didn’t
offer the fulfillment I expected it to bring. I was just not happy and I was
sick of being a man with no integrity! Also during this time I found the World
Race website. Next thing you know I’m spending all my time reading their blogs
instead and looking for chics on myspace!
February 2007 – season three of suffering
begins.
By March I was telling my mom I wanted to
quite my job and join the race. Turns out I wouldn’t have to – the next month I
was fired. Eight days later I went to Peru to visit the January 2007 team and
one thing led to another and now here I am back in Peru nearly a year later.
What’s different about this season of
suffering for me is I went into it willingly. I desire above all else to be
transformed into a man after God’s own heart. I will be a man of integrity.
Which means I’m embracing all the pain, all the hurt, all the hard times. I
desire more of them because I know the fruit they will produce in me. God’s
work will be completed in my life – I will persevere.
Suffering truly is a great thing. It is
God’s way of expressing His love to us. Because here’s the deal, I wouldn’t be
the man I am today if it wasn’t for all the hurt and pain I’ve been through.
Suffering brings freedom my friends. Through my trials I have been freed from
alcohol, drugs, cigarettes and womanizing.
Remember my prayer from Ephesians? Where I
ask God for the spirit of wisdom and revelation. He’s given me that. I now have
a better understanding of how God works in my life. Which leads me to a better
knowledge of the hope he has called me to. And that was the second part of my
prayer, God open the eyes of my heart to see this hope you have for me!
FINALLY, my eyes are open and I can see the
UNSEEN. And let me tell you, the unseen looks great, the hope He has for me is
unimaginable. And now that I can see the UNSEEN, I can handle the SEEN.
Because, as I’ve experienced through the years, God has a season of success on
its way. I know this year is preparing me for it. I see clearly that this
season is all about getting my validation from God – not from girls! It’s an
important lesson I must learn because I desire to go into my next season of
success a complete man, a responsible man – a man that can shepherd a family
and a ministry.
Is God good? Are His ways better? Do they
end in freedom?
YES, YES and YES!
How do I know? I’m living it!
