This is me, out in the open and vulnerable. No hidden agendas, no goals, no sugar coating, no proper blog writing. Recently I’ve felt like I have been emotionally constipated and spiritually exhausted. I can’t cry, despite the fact that I have felt on the verge of breaking down almost constantly. My hunger for God feels weak, despite the spiritual strength of my team. I doubt, I struggle, I fail. I don’t understand what I am supposed to do, and I can’t hear God. I pray and watch and listen, but I feel empty. I know a breakdown is coming, I can feel it pressing against me.
I pray for strength, but I still fall short. I pray for understanding, but I am even more perplexed. What is the plan? Why is everyone else’s faith so strong, so certain? Do I not deserve to know? Am I just too stupid or self-centered to hear Him? Is He speaking to me at all? Does He care?
I’ve heard that He is pursuing me, but I don’t feel pursued. I feel like I’m chasing a God who doesn’t want me. I feel tired despite plenty of rest, I feel drained despite plenty of solitude, I feel alone despite being surrounded by people. I try to reach out to both God and man, but I feel less loved by both despite their claims. What is my worth in a world that doesn’t seem to need me? What is my purpose?
God, I want to feel the love I read and hear about. I can’t do this on my own. I never could. I try to love, but I can’t give what I don’t feel I have. Why can’t I feel this love? Why? Why!?!?!!?!??!?!?!?! I have nothing to offer you, and you say that’s OK. Why don’t I feel that? I try to say yes to where you want to lead me, and feel like you are trying to tear down my little bit of hard won confidence. I understand that I can’t do anything to change my destination at the end of this journey, my faith hasn’t deteriorated that much, but I can’t change my defaults without help. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t handle this anymore. I’m just so tired.
I want to be caught if you are pursuing me, I want the freedom to cry, I don’t want to feel guilty for exhaustion, I don’t want to feel shame for being lukewarm. I try to push myself out of my comfort zone, but I feel pushed back. When no one meets you halfway, you go back to where it’s safe. I’m just so tired. The world is trying to keep me down, I feel like I have nothing in common with my team, and God seems like a far away being with no time for me. What do I need to do? What prayers do I need to say?
I don’t have any answers, no deep thoughts or breakthrough conclusions. I just needed to get this out there, to feel like I’ve said something, even just released a little frustration.
