Training Camp.
I went to camp full of emotions, some positive and some negative and a bag full of hurt, doubt and fear. A few days before camp, the girls got together to get to know each other better and that helped when we arrived at camp. But my bag full of those emotions was even heavier than before. I looked around me and I wondered if I could make it. You see camping is not one of my things. Its just not. I hate bugs and I am terrified of spiders. And here I was putting up a tent (which wasn't easy to put up) and unpacking my bag as if I knew what I was doing. It was comfortable to see a familiar face among all the new people. Stacy. She was one of my trainers and one of the first people I see at my squad location. Stacy and I grew up together so she was home away from home. She asked how I was doing. And I told her the truth: Not well. On the verge of tears but that I was trying to hold it together, She assured me that this is a safe place to process emotions and let go. The thought of letting go and letting everything I kept in come out, SCARED ME.
I am a Moses.
As I was trying to put on a brave front and hide all the pain that had accumulated in the last few months, the sessions in the coming days were not what I was expecting. The guest speaker was Rob Reimer. On the first night he talked about the presence of God. He used as an example Moses. Moses started his relationship with the Lord by aversion and asking the wrong question of "Who am I?". As I listened and took notes, something started to stir up inside of me. I was a Moses. I am called on the Race and I keep asking Him, "Who am I?". But the stirring in my soul didn't stop as Rob continued that day. Moses focused on himself and his limitations when the Lord clearly said that He would be with him. I think my head popped up when Rob said that and my mouth dropped. But things got more interesting. You see Moses needed the presence of God to heal his soul crisis such as identity issues, sin, and father issues. My soul at this point couldn't take it any more because it sounded just like me.
Dealing with LIES.
When we got to this session, I was very excited to hear what the Lord had to say about this issue that I struggle with. I had a rough childhood with a lot of scars that hadn't healed and carried on to my adult life. I'm talking serious emotional pain. Words were spoken over me such as "Your not good enough", "Your too fat", "Your not smart enough" "You always screw up" ….and the list can go on. When you hear this growing up, you start to believe it. In psychology we call this self-fulfilling prophecy, where an individual believes what is being said about them and internalizes those words. That's what I had done. And the Lord knew I needed to hear this: "Whatever you agree with you give power in your life". I was on the verge of tears. I had given power to the lies of the devil that he used through other people to shape who I am. But God showed up. Rob asked us to close our eyes and visualize all the painful memories and to ask the Holy Spirit to show us where Jesus was doing those times. And the Holy Spirit showed up. Every.Memomry. I saw Him. My Jesus.In.Every.Painful.Memory!!! That blew me away and the tears came and His love came. And for the first time in forever, I accepted His love. His amazing love. And my walls came tumbling down. As I was praying and crying, the band began to sing and I felt hands being laid on me, praying for me. Then Stacy come over and told me what the Lord wanted her to tell me: "I am proud of you Roxana. I love you!" And the tears came again this time so hard because my Abba said He was proud of me. And I just stayed in Abbas arms taking it all in.
My heart is healed. I am a daughter of the King.
