The last blog I posted was a little sad and so unlike myself. I was having what I considered to be a horrible day. Things were not going how I had hoped but I am happy to say I am doing so much better now. Between last Saturday and now a lot has happened. The Lord has been working on my heart and on me completely surrendering.
Last Saturday, through a lot of tears and frustrations, I explained to some of my teammates how discouraged I felt and how angry I was with God. One of them offered to pray for me and in the moment I couldn’t even accept her prayers. I was tired of praying the same prayers, tired of hoping that someone would provide for my financial needs. After talking to her (the same teammate who offered prayer), she told me she thought that the Lord was working on something in me through fundraising and in time it would reveal it to me. I know what it was all along that God was trying to teach me. I don’t trust God. I say I do, I say it all the time, but if I am being honest I don’t trust Him. I have never had to rely fully on Him to do the things He says he is going to do. I always have plans A, B, C and so on, should my first plan fail.
Part of the reason I get frustrated is, I watch people who’ve been doing this fundraising thing for less time than I’ve been. I watch as they get fully funded in no time, and it’s great. I am genuinely happy for them, but I don’t believe that God can do that for me. I don’t know why, but His presence isn’t as evident in that area for me as it is for others. But God is so good, not sometimes, not when He feels like it, but He is always so good. It is possible that I am trying to convince myself of His goodness, but he’s been good at helping me see this past week.
On Sunday, it was my sister’s birthday and after a lot of struggles, I finally was able to get her happy birthday video to her. On top of that someone I just met a couple of weeks ago, offered to help me get in touch with her. In the jungle, we have no wifi or cell service, but somehow, I was able to talk to her for a couple of minutes to say happy birthday. The lady was so kind, she put money on her phone and let me use it to talk to her. Another girl spent a couple of hours watching a movie with me, then for team time later that day my team and I watched a movie. All of this to say, even though I couldn’t watch a movie with my sister like we usually do on her birthday, it was a great day. God has been mending my heart since…
On the same day, there was an optional class on the ranch and some of the girls had planned a silly dance for the great commission people. I went to the class just to watch them dance and it all started with them dancing to music from pitch perfect. A moment later, the atmosphere changed and you could feel God in the moment. I have no recollection of how it started, but I remember telling God how mad I was. I told him I was angry, I was done, I told Him I was frustrated and that He was going to drag me along if He wanted me here. I bared my soul and let the tears flow. As I was crying and praying, a lady came to pray for me. She was praying in Spanish, between my sobs and the language barrier, I maybe understood 4 out of 10 words.
She proceeded to tell me in Spanish that the Lord heard me and that he would provide for all of my needs. It’s not like I was praying in Spanish or out loud but she was kept saying the same thing over and over again. She grabbed my arms and said in Spanish “can you understand me? Can you understand what I am saying? God is going to provide for ALL of your need”. So I said thank you, what else could I say? She left and came back a few moments later with a piece of paper and a pen “write today’s date and write down your needs. Remember them, God is going to provide. I am going to pray for you and when everything comes to pass, you have to let me know.”
So I took the paper and wrote down the date, but as I proceeded to write about fundraising that’s not what I needed. Instead I wrote “I need you Lord, meet me where I am, help me to surrender ALL to you.” In that particular moment, money didn’t matter, nothing mattered but the Lord. It was things I wanted not what I needed. That’s not to say that I don’t need fundraising, but I got a glimpse of the Lord. He gave His son for me before I even knew I needed Him. He sent His Holy spirit to live inside of me so He could guide and intercede for me. “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” Romans 8:26
How much more would He do for me? On Monday, I learned how to fully surrender through a Christian version of bootcamp. We woke up at 4 and went through some difficult times, praying and asking the Lord to show up for us while doing intense exercises. People kept doing little gestures through which I am getting to see the goodness of the Lord and His desire to provide for me. I had an amazing thanksgiving, even though I missed my family. Our host had a wonderful dinner prepared for us and the guys stood at the doors and waiting for all the women to get in to the dinning hall.
I finally got to a point where I can trust God and His goodness. I desperately want to stay on the field, but I also want to be in God’s will. SO if that means, I go home because I didn’t raise the funds I needed, then so be it. I am very excited and I can’t wait to see what else He wants to work on. I am also learning to find joy in the journey. I am still some ways away from meeting my deadline, if you are able to help financially I’d appreciate. Prayers are more than welcome!
Love you all, until next time.
