"If You save me, I'll spend the rest of my life serving You."
Going into my freshman year of college, if I had to guess where exactly I would be at the age of 24 : on this journey serving God as a missionary or dead in the grave, I would have honestly chosen the latter. This blog has always been about bringing God the maximum amount of glory. I also believe He wants me to be vulnerable and share my story with all my faithful supporters, especially those who don't really know my story. I want to tell you how I got to this point in my life and where the transformation occurred.
This happened my Junior Year of college
My heart was cold, my soul was empty, my spirit was longing for something greater. The alcohol was no longer satisfying, the drugs were making me grow weary and my life was fading before my very eyes. I was a slave to my sin.
I did not know that this night was going to be the night that would change my life forever. As the pill was handed to me I immediately had déjà vu, I had been here before but I couldn't remember when, so I shrugged it off and went along with things. I swallowed the pill ready for a night of fun, but little did I know that it was to be a night of terror.
The night started off fun. I was having a blast, ready to go to a concert, but then the déjà vu set in again. I felt that I'd been here before… I needed to leave, I needed to go home. I suddenly remembered my dream from the night before and this was it. I pinched myself, this was real life. I remembered it didn't turn out so good. I needed to leave. My selfish heart gave God a nod of appreciation for helping me dodge a bullet. I decided not to go to the concert and went home ready to party more. Little did I know what was awaiting me.
I sat down and started to listen to music, still feeling good as I had just escaped something bad that was going to happen. After a while I started to hear this evil creepy voice slowly repeating over and over, “You're in Hell…You're in Hell…You're in Hell." I started to freak out and then I heard my dad’s voice reading my obituary to me. He told me that I was a good kid and a good son, but I died. I went to hell. I then saw a vision of my tombstone with the dates.
I started freaking out. My soul felt empty and there was darkness all around. I paced rapidly, back and forth in a dark room. Feeling trapped, I started to hear the voice of the devil. He was telling me that I was in a dream and that if I killed myself, then I would wake up. I knew this was a lie; I've been through that, there's no coming back from that decision.
“It’s just a bad trip" I thought. I've heard of these, I just have to battle and wait it out. The voices grew stronger, more hateful, more convincing. Time passed and the evil voices weren't going anywhere. I felt as if I really were in Hell and there was no escape. Over an hour had passed and I had used all my strength battling. I finally fumbled up the prayer, "God if you’re real, help me."
The evil voices immediately stopped and light began to pierce the darkness. I could hear a voice. It was telling me all the things I needed to do in order to make the voices go away, but these involved changing my life. I didn't want that, so I pushed the light away. The evil came back and was more real then ever. Life or death. I fought it for a bit longer, but eventually I was ready to surrender. Death? No, not yet, I needed to ask God for help one last time. I was so weak I couldn't listen I needed more than His voice, so I asked God to show me the way.
I then had an out of body experience where I was walking with an angel. Many visions were being painted in front of me concerning the future. I didn't understand. “Why is this going on?” I asked. The angel then painted a picture of me dead on the ground and told me that I had died and went to hell because I did not believe in Jesus. The Lord had saved me. Immediately the devil screamed, "you can't do that, he was suppose to die!” The Lord of the universe responded, “I am God. I can do whatever I want!" Then the devil fled from my mind. God told me that all the visions that had been revealed to me would come true in the next couple of weeks. I needed to have faith in order to overcome the devil’s lies. He told me to trust Him. That my life would slowly be transformed.
As the night of terror faded away slowly into the next day I was soon back in my right state of mind again. I didn't know what the heck had just happened. I thought to myself, “this was way too real to just be a bad trip.” The next few weeks were a nightmare for me. I thought that I was having a mental breakdown. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, my mind was being tormented. What about the visions? I stayed in my room and didn't want to leave.
A few weeks had passed by and my little brother was coming to visit me to see if he wanted to go to TCU, so I mustered up the strength to take him out for the weekend. As the night approached I had a revelation in the shower, "if you get drunk tonight you’re going to go to hell.” Freaked out, I said that I was just going to drive and not get drunk. Soon enough, we arrived at the bar. I saw a friend walking in the distance who I hadn't seen in a while. I thought to myself “if I were drunk right now, then I'd run over there and jump on him!” I looked down and shook my head.
A few seconds went by and I heard tires screeching as a car made the effort to slow down. A loud thud came after. A flash went off in my head and I immediately knew it was my friend who had been struck. I stepped out into the street and looked down at what I was wearing. The clothes, the bar, it was all the same vision I had seen in my head weeks ago except for the fact that I wasn't dead. I had another revelation, "you had that trip because that was you that got hit by the car and you would have died and went to hell (I had still yet to accept Jesus) and because you listened you are still alive and you can change things, this is your second chance. Don’t waste your life."
I grabbed my brother and ran away freaked out, praying that God would not let my friend die, because I couldn't bear the guilt (he was a stocky guy and ended up breaking bones and going to the hospital for a while, but ended up being ok. On the other hand, I would surely have been killed). Anyways, after that moment every single vision that the angel had initially showed me came true. Like, exactly. Same people, same scenery, same clothes, same everything. I would find myself in these situations and start to get really paranoid.
As this all came into realization I didn't even know where to begin. Church? Jesus?
Growing up I didn't pay attention. I was told not to worry and that God would make it all work out. A couple days passed and God put a name in my head and told me to email the guy. I thought it was weird and awkward, but God had been so faithful that I had to trust Him. I did so and the guy ended up being a big time Christian and led me to Christ outside of Central Market.
I started reading my Bible, I accepted Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. My whole life changed. Little by little God started adding and removing things from my life. I knew the call that Jesus had for my life, but it was scary. To be quite frank, I downplayed it at times. I let Jesus be Lord over certain areas of my life, but not my whole life. My fleshly identity was still caught up in the fact that I was in college. At the same time my spiritual identity wanted to crucify the fleshly desires and the unfulfilling, petty things of this world. God delivered me immediately from my desire for drugs, even though alcohol was still a battle each and every day. My spirit and flesh seemed to be at a constant war with each other.
My heart was different, my life wasn't the same. When I would drink it left me feeling empty. I put on a mask, acting like it was still fun, but it was a lie. It left me drained. I knew the truth. He didn't just want to be The Lord of my alone time or with other Christians. He wanted to be The Lord of my entire life. When God put it on my heart to go on this trip He told me that my life would never be the same. He has used this journey to set my heart ablaze for His glory and has been burning away the chaff ever since. My road to this very moment in time was divine and my throne is His forever and always. I've learned to be more obedient in walking in the spirit rather than succumbing to my fleshly desires that have held me down. I pray this continues. God continues to be very patient with me and my transformation. I give Him all the glory for that.
We will all have to stand before The Lord one day. We will all give an account of our lives. My only desire is to hear Him say, "Well done my good and faithful servant." My heart desires His presence and glory. This is the only thing that will satisfy.
I have truly seen that it is His kindness that leads a man to repentance. I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. My story is unlike many, but just like all, a sinner saved by grace!
"If You save me, I'll spend the rest of my life serving You"
-Robert
Psalm 50:15
Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.
