Disclaimer: I still don’t feel that my thoughts are actually in order enough to write this, but it’s been about a week since part 1 so I figured part 2 just needed to be written regardless of how disorganized it may be.
So in part 1 of this two-part special, I talked about how I looked forward to getting to a place where all the comforts would be stripped away, and I had only God. Well, here I’ve been in Moldova for about 2 ½ weeks, and I’ve discovered that it’s not quite that simple.
Yeah, a ton of the comforts have been stripped away. I’ve averaged showering once a week, changing clothes a little more often than that but not much; the nightlife of Ireland has been replaced by the nighttime activities of playing cards or watching movies; I’ve been going to the bathroom in a toilet which I flush by pouring water into it that I got from a well; while I would love a juicy hamburger, I now get excited when there’s sliced salami (I think) on the table because it’s the first meat (besides the soup meat, which is actually mostly bones or the heart of some animal) that I’ve seen in a few days.
So what’s the problem? If this is the life I’m living, why am I still struggling to wholeheartedly run after God? The lesson I’m realizing is that it can all be stripped away, and I still have to choose. Put me in an empty room where there’s no internet, no TV, no flesh-pleasing pursuits to distract me, and I can still choose to ignore God. So yeah, I went from Ireland to Moldova, and God took away a bunch of the distractions, but it’s still up to me to choose in my heart and my mind to run after Him.
The truth is that the stripping away can actually sometimes make it harder to choose Him. Because it’s not just the physical comforts previously mentioned that have been stripped away. Oh no. That’s certainly not what the World Race (and the Christian life if we’re really being honest) is all about. This month especially, I’ve just been hit hard with feeling disconnected from people. I left all of my family and friends, and aside from the occasional facebook talk with a friend here and there or the occasional skype chat with my parents, I’ve become disconnected from everyone back home. And I just in the last month changed World Race teams, and so I feel pretty disconnected from the people I’m with also. On top of that, my comfort of getting emotional blessings from God has become somewhat stripped away as well. I read the Bible and often feel nothing; I try to pray and just don’t know what to say.
To summarize, I’m spiritually exhausted. I know I can fight, and I try, but recently, I’ve just become so easily swayed and discouraged by the lies of Satan. I hear the truth of God that says that He is worth running after regardless of how I feel and that He is with me through everything I’m going through, and then an hour later, I struggle to hear Him again and am ready to give up. I hear the truth of God that says that I am a confident man of God, and I can pursue conversations to get to know my teammates, and then an hour later, fear strikes me in a social situation, and Satan throws in my face the last 3 months where I didn’t get to know my former team, and thoughts of “Oh, here we go again” flood my mind.
So I wasn’t at all planning on taking this path when writing this blog. Like I said, my thoughts weren’t organized. But to get back on track of the original thought of this blog, life is tough right now, but I do choose to trust and pursue God in spite of it all. Yeah, I know that kinda just sounds like the cliché thing to say in a Christian blog to wrap this blog up all nicely and make it reader friendly. And maybe that’s half of what that statement is right now. But it’s that other half that I’m choosing to follow. David wrote a lot of Psalms wondering what the heck was going on and freaking out, but in the end, he was still a man after God’s own heart. Job got hit hard in his life with ailments and tragedies and spent some time wondering where God was, but in the end, he chose God, and God was faithful to Him. I’m sure Noah sometimes wondered why the heck he was building an ark when rain wasn’t even a concept, especially amidst the persecution and mocking he received from people; Moses questioned how he was supposed to go save God’s people from a powerful ruler and powerful army; Jesus Himself asked for the cup to be removed if possible. But in faith, they all chose God. And through that journey after their choice made through faith, God was with them all the way, and His purpose was completed.
I’ve spent a lot of time this month wondering why I’m here, how I’m supposed to go on, what the heck is going on with me. But I know that God has a plan; I know that as James writes, all trials make us stronger (James 1:2-4) and that by the end of these 11 months, or even after a couple months, I am going to be stronger for Him and His purpose as He makes me more into the man He’s calling me to be. And in faith, I choose God.
Therefore since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:1-2
Isaiah 43:2
