After reading a post titled “Marriage Isn’t For You” by Seth Smith, my mind wandered into other avenues of this colorful yet completely temporary thing called life. Come on, it is awesome, and a totally different perspective on the topic of love and marriage with a title that would bring many to click and read. I actually read Seth Smith’s post over a month ago, and while many things quickly came to my mind, I needed some more time to reflect. Let’s just say, God used Seth to help me see how his post also filters into every aspect of my life, and maybe your life as well.
As I am getting ready to leave this upcoming July on an eleven-month mission trip around the world, so many internal battles have emerged to the surface of my heart. And so, I’ll be the first to tell you that committing to this trip totally uncovered layers of pride and selfishness comfortably wrapped around my heart. First of all, I started becoming overwhelmed with the amount of money that I needed to fund-raise, and the daunting five digits of $1-6-2-8-5 started to become louder and bolder than my loudness and boldness to express complete and total faith in God. I started to think about how unworthy I am and how maybe I don’t even deserve support and God’s blessings because of my shortcomings and my struggles. Am I even cut out for this? Many dark thoughts started to flood, especially whenever I found myself indulging in my own sinfulness.
To tell you the truth, I started to think that I wasn’t good enough for the World Race. I came to a place where I started debating whether or not the World Race is actually meant for ME. Is this what God wants for me? Am I even good enough to reach out to people around the world? I started to beat myself up as the enemy found his way to continually suppress my heart into a drought and a dark place of lukewarmness. I started to linger in deep guilt and deep shame, continually bashing myself for my shortcomings as a human being instead of depending on the good news of the gospel. Instead of reminding myself of the freedom that I freely have in Jesus Christ, I started to trap myself into boxes of repression again. You’re so weak, Richelle. You struggle way too much, and God will not bless you. This isn’t meant for you, because you don’t deserve it. And maybe I don’t, but then again– I will always be weak if I constantly make this all about myself and my own abilities. And you know what? I certainly don’t deserve it, because in actuality, I don’t really deserve anything. But the fact that I started to indulge and sulk in my sin and my weaknesses instead of indulging and boasting in my freedom in Christ started to rob me of my ultimate purpose and vision for this journey set before me. We all have our own set of struggles that always make us feel unworthy. But then I think some more and realize- How am I supposed to bring freedom to others when I am not abiding in the freedom of the gospel myself? How am I supposed to write people’s stories of freedom and how God is working around the world when the words of God are not even deeply written on my heart? Everyone, I am seriously a fool. You might know me for often being incredibly happy, smiling, positive and absolutely optimistic about life, but there is so much more to this tiny dancer than you will ever know. So much sin, so much hurt, so much pain, so much guilt. But you know what!? I am able to go back to smiling because of the fact that Jesus Christ sets me free. I can smile because I am able to turn away from the whispers of the enemy that wish nothing but self-loathing and guilt upon my life. The enemy wants me to hate myself and wants me to live life with the mindest that I am ugly and will never be good enough to do anything for God while I am here, but I refuse to let the enemy win. The enemy will not have a hold on me because my God is real and because my God has me in His hands. Did you read that?! We are in the hands of a living God. I often lose sight of the fact that the gospel is not just a story in another book. I often fail to remember the true essence of what is means to trust in what Jesus Christ did for me on the cross. Repentance is to turn away from my sinfulness and to return back to the One who intricately pieced me together. The gospel is beautiful, and it is seriously something to dance about. I don’t have to be trapped in boxes of shame and repression because God sets me free to live openly and freely for the furtherance of His beautiful kingdom.
So you know what? It’s just like what Seth Smith said.
The World Race isn’t for me. It’s for others.
I might not ever be “good enough” to further God’s kingdom around the world and maybe the World Race isn’t necessarily what my parents would see as ideal for my near future, but I came to an epiphany. I started to see more and more how the World Race isn’t for me to find myself. Sure, I struggle and I fail, but Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins and is alive today. Sure, the enemy tries to push me down relentlessly, reminding me too often of how weak and filthy I can so easily become. Sure, the enemy often tells me I’ll never be good enough or deserving of God’s blessing to do His work around the world. Sure, I can believe all these lies– but the only thing that they will do for me is make me lose sight of why I am here, why I exist, and why I am going. This journey isn’t about the route I am going to be taking. It isn’t about what I want to see in each country. It isn’t about the people in my squad and whether or not they are fun, or quiet, or silly, or brave, or easy/difficult to get along with. It isn’t about cliff-jumping. It isn’t about riding elephants. It isn’t about seeing beautiful places. It isn’t about the things that I want to accomplish nor is it about whether or not the World Race is actually for me. No, it never was for me and it never will be. I am not going in order to see beautiful places, but I am going so that I may see more of God’s face in these beautiful places. I am going to give and to show others the same freedom and the same love that God has mercifully and graciously showed to me. I am going to reach out to addicts, orphans, prostitutes, and everyday people and I am going so that God may use me to show them that it is possible to free oneself from boxes and chains of repression and bondage. I am going to give the good news of the gospel to others, so that they may see that there certainly is more to life than simply living. There is more to life than pursuing one’s own desires and one’s own ambitions. There is a Maker and there is a one true God. Jesus Christ is my Savior and the reason why I can smile and live with a bright hope. I want to know the gospel, I want to carry around the gospel, I want to give the gospel, and I want to celebrate the gospel for and with others.
And that is why I am here.
I don’t care if you’re currently fighting a battle in which you often find yourself sulking and drowning in self-pity and in doubt. Trust me, we’ve all been there. I don’t care if you’re currently fighting a battle in which you are combating a deep addiction. And that addiction does not only pertain to drugs, but also to self-image, the desire to be successful or even famous, the approval of others, sex, pornography, or maybe even food. I don’t care where you come from or what you look like. I don’t care how weak you feel or how low you’ve found yourself. All I ask and pray is that you fight. Fight hard. No one said it was going to be easy, but I know that it will definitely be worth it. So, don’t you dare give up. You are never alone, so keep going. Don’t let the convincing whispers of the enemy hold you down. Get up! Fight for Jesus. Fight for the One who made you. Die each day to your own selfish desires and fight to depend on Jesus Christ so much more. Fight the battle with eternity in mind and with His kingdom as your vision, and fight to see more of God in each and every moment, in each and everyday. Never lose hope, never let the enemy make you feel like it is impossible to win, because in Jesus Christ we have already won.
Brothers and sisters who are also going on the World Race, let us remember that, just like Seth Smith said, “No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.” I hope and pray that the World Race may be a journey of love. Not for us, but for the genuine love of others and for the fiery, passionate love for Jesus Christ to be known, so that others may also dance and sing of His love and His goodness every single day.
With that said, there is only one true thing left for me to say.
This life isn’t for me.
This life is for others, so that the reality of the gospel and the goodness of God would ultimately be known. This life is for loving others so fiercely and so passionately, so that they may see God through the beautiful ability to love. This life is about spreading the good news and to tell of stories and of miracles. This life is for God to be the potter and for me to be the clay, so that He would use us as vessels to reach out to a lost world that so desperately needs Him. This life is for living out the gospel each and every single day, so that others may taste and see that not only is God absolutely real, but that having a relationship with Him will absolutely change your life– forever.
I promise.
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“It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.” Hebrews 10:3
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23
