real
(ree-uhl, reel), adjective
true; genuine; not counterfeit, artificial, or imitation; authentic
(ree-uhl, reel), adjective
true; genuine; not counterfeit, artificial, or imitation; authentic
R-E-A-L
REAL
REAL
Training camp didn’t feel real until this past weekend…
The World Race as a possibility didn’t seem real until just a few days ago…
But here I sit with just nine days to go.
Nine…
In just nine days, I will load up my jeep with my World Race gear, hug my parents good bye, and hop on the interstate around 7 am to make the 8-9 hour drive up to Georgia for training camp.
Nine days.
Wow.
And as I sit checking and re-checking countless checklists, there’s one thing I find missing.
I have my tent, sleeping pad, sleeping bag (I actually don’t have that yet; cutting it close, I know), backpack, clothes, rain jacket, cup/bowl, the all-important spork, and everything else necessary to be prepared for a week of camping and training.
I have longsleeve shirts, a sweatshirt, pants, and warm socks so my Floridian blood can withstand the brisk 40 degree nights and 70 degree days.
Everything I need, right?
As I made my lists, checked them twice, and stressed over forgetting something (now I know how Santa Claus feels), I couldn’t help but feel like I was indeed missing something.
Yesterday, it hit me.
Authenticity; being real.
Being me.
That needs to be on my list.
If this mission -this calling- is becoming real…
Then I need to be real too.
In nine days not only will I pack up all my gear and head to our training site,
I’ll be packing up parts of who I am and heading to my #NSquad family.
All of my fears, my insecurities, my joys, my sorrows, my excitement…
they’re all coming with me as I travel towards this beautiful, God-fearing family the Lord has placed in my life.
All of me is going to have meet all of them.
Soon.
Very soon.
Like, nine days soon.
And with the days between now and then dwindling quickly, I’ve come to the realization that I haven’t been me.
I’ve faced the underlying question and fear that I might not be real, be me at training camp.
I love #Nsquad. They are my brothers and sisters, no doubt.
However, I find myself second-guessing initiating skype or facebook conversations or things I write on our group facebook page. I don’t know how my sarcasm or realness is going to come across via the internet so there have been many moments where I choose nothing.
I choose silence, nothingness…
over me, over being real.
I try to imagine hanging out with them and growing with them at training.
I try to picture our squad.
I try to picture me being real
… and it’s a stretch.
It’s a struggle.
Sometimes I can’t do it.
Even when I want to.
Even when I know #Nsquad will be amazing.
Even when I know #Nsquad will be amazing.
Even when I know that God’s got this, and all my fears are for not.
I know it’s fear.
Fear rooted deep in insecurities from past friendships.
Past relationships where being me, being real wasn’t accepted.
Where being real, being me, didn’t matter.
By writing this blog, I’m trying to be real.
To be me.
I write; that’s what I do.
And by writing this now, I’m proclaiming that I will be me.
I will be real!
No more hiding;
No more fear!
In nine days not only will I pack up all my gear and head to our training site,
I’ll be packing up who I am, all of me, and heading to my beautiful -and quite ridiculous, hashtag infected – #NSquad family.
All of me finally gets to meet all of them.
Soon.
Very soon.
Like, nine days soon…
Be real,
And be the piece of the #Nsquad puzzle that I know God’s created me to be.
Enjoy this tune by Chris August and have a blessed day.
In His Solid Grip,
Rhonda
