A large portion of the World Race deals with abandonment.
You abandon your comfortable lifestyle for a lifestyle of full dependency on God.
You abandon your job security for future uncertainty, resting in God’s provision.
You abandon a majority of your earthly possessions and take only what fits on your back, literally.
You abandon everything.
Right?
WRONG!
If I abandon everything then…
I abandon my family.
I abandon my brothers and sisters who started out as friends.
I abandon those whom God has used to encourage and challenge me throughout my life.
I abandon them all.
But that doesn’t make sense, and to even think it seems ridiculous.
But, it’s all I could think about a week ago this time: I’m abandoning those I love.
Last weekend was the worst time for this thought to surface. It was the annual retreat for our young adult/college ministry. By the end of last year’s retreat, I knew that these people were going to be an integral part of my life, and you know what? They’ve been just that. God has used them to challenge and encourage me throughout this past year in ways that I needed the most and never thought possible. I was so excited to spend this weekend with my family, but a few hours in and I was struggling.
Being a part of the planning team for this year’s retreat was stressful, and I quickly let frustrations get to me. It all simmered inside until Sunday afternoon when I found myself alone in my hotel room, ugly crying. See, as we enjoyed relay races, beach volleyball, deep and heartfelt conversations, and digging into the word, I realized something. My moments with this family are dwindling.
I will miss next year’s retreat and countless other beautiful moments in each of their lives. In just four months, I will have to say goodbye to these dear sweet friends brothers and sisters and walk out of their lives for a year.
These were thoughts and emotions running rampant as I laid on my bed ugly crying my heart out. To top it off, I had allowed some of my frustrations and obligations to side-track me from making memories and enjoying our time together. And one thought hung over me like a dark cloud, If couldn’t handle missing a two hour scavenger hunt with my team, how was I ever going to handle missing an entire year of their lives?
Ridiculous, I know, but let’s be real, it’s the truth. And, to be honest, that’s something I haven’t quite figured out yet. I don’t know. But trying to come with a solution (which I’m not entirely sure exists anyway) is not the focus of this blog. The focus is the difference of past and present. The difference in…
Had vs. Have
In the past few weeks I’ve formed new friendships and strengthened existing ones. I have a little brother and new sisters in my life group that just make my heart filled with joy. I’ve had deep and laughter-filled conversations with some of my close friends that have given me a new sense of security in our relationships. All these things have made me realize even more that I am going to miss them next year. And as this past weekend kicked off, I told a friend that I’m not looking forward to saying goodbye and missing out on all these things God is going to do in and through them all in the coming year. I’ve seen the miraculous and crazy awesome things He has done this past year; I can only imagine what he has in store for 2013. In just one year, my life has changed completely; what changes and blessings and hardships will I miss when I can’t walk beside them in this coming year?
As I was dealing with all these moments and thoughts and emotions last weekend, a friend came along side me and told me to just plain and simply forget about all the distractions and frustrations. That the truth and reality of the situation is that I am leaving in four months, and I do need to spend time with my brothers and sisters. For them and for me. Eventually, the tears stopped, and I found myself in the pool taking ridiculous underwater photos and laughing to the point of nearly drowning. As the evening wore on, I tried to make the most of the time we had left, pushing aside all other things. But it wasn’t until after our final main session, as we all gathered in small groups to pray for one another, that God revealed something I had been missing for a few weeks.
During our prayer time that night, another dear friend spoke some truth into my life, “I think this has been God affirming these relationships in your life. Showing you that they are not something that you will say on the race, ‘Oh, I had that before the before.’ No, it’ll be something you have. We might not be around each other and we might not e-mail every day, but you will have us. We’re not going anywhere. Things will change, but we will not be something you had.”
How could I be so blind to this beautiful truth?!
See, this group of people is the first real community I’ve had, and I mean it when I say that they are my brothers and sisters, my family. And I realized in that moment that I had been thinking and acting as if they weren’t going to be in my life any more; as if as soon as I left for launch they were no longer my present but my past. And as sweet Kelli pointed out, that is completely wrong. They will be a part of my life. We will go through this next year together with prayer, e-mails, blog updates, and possibly skype here or there.
They are my family and will forever be my family.
I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I have them and will never have to use “had” again. And as I do so, God continues to affirm their places in this little life of mine.
And just what do I have….
(A note I found on my whiteboard at school a few weeks ago; fitting for then and in a few months.)
Impacters, I love you! Thank you for being my family and encouraging, challenging, and loving me as your sister this past year. I’m excited to see what He does in your lives in 2013 because now I know that I will be able to “see” from time-to-time. Praise be to God for you family, and for the beautiful fact that I no longer have to use “had.”
In His Grip,
Rhonda
