Pardon the lengthy blog silence. I’ve written drafts for multiple blogs, but each one I felt wasn’t right or wasn’t good enough. Part of it was my pride and not wanting to post something that others wouldn’t like. Part of it was fear of vulnerability. These blog posts can be utterly terrifying to post.
But here I am breaking radio silence.
I’ve been having a lot of doubts lately. I’ve been getting more and more involved in communities in my hometown, developing relationships, and achieving goals or successes that I never dreamed would actually happen. It’s been because of this that I’ve doubted whether I’m supposed to be doing this whole World Race thing. I’ve been tempted to throw the towel in.
Maybe I should play it safe and stay home and continue to develop these relationships and communities. I’ve been fearful that when I get home from the WR that I won’t fit in with the people and places I’ve fallen in love with. I’ll be replaced and there will be no room for me anymore.
It all feels self-centered, this wanting to be needed. It can ignite a whole downward spiral of the self-deprecation that I have oh so much practice with.
All this has led me to a couple realizations.
First of all, a squadmate of mine recently posted something she learned from a podcast.
If you go back to Genesis, what did the devil attack first? He didn’t go after Eve’s relationship with Adam, or God’s love for them, or their current accommodations or anything like that. The first thing that he went after was the call itself. The first thing he attacked was what God had told them to do – he wanted to make them question it. “Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals that the Lord God has made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from the tree in the garden’?”
I’m incredibly stubborn, which is both a strength and a flaw. I’m far too stubborn to give up on something that I’ve been so convinced I’m meant to do. This was the first time that I truly felt an attack on my call. I seriously questioned whether I had heard God wrong and whether I had made a mistake.
I suppose this a good thing. If satan is attacking in such an audacious manner, he must be terrified, which means I’m on the right track! But that doesn’t make the attacks or temptations any easier.
My second realization I also had some help getting to.
My mum has been reading one of the books on the reading list for the WR: The Knowledge of the Holy by AW Tozer. Last night she called me over so that she could read me a passage from it. It’s a little long but bear with it; it’s worth it!
“Yet in God, self is not sin but the quintessence of all possible goodness, holiness and truth.
The natural man is a sinner because and only because he challenges God’s selfhood in relation to his own. In all else he may willingly accept the sovereignty of God; in his own life he rejects it. For him, God’s dominion ends where his begins. For him, self becomes Self, and in this he unconsciously imitates Lucifer, that fallen son of the morning who said in his heart, “I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God. . . . I will be like the Most High.”
Yet so subtle is self that scarcely anyone is conscious of its presence. Because man is born a rebel, he is unaware that he is one. His constant assertion of self, as far as he thinks of it at all, appears to him a perfectly normal thing. He is willing to share himself, sometimes even to sacrifice himself for a desired end, but never to dethrone himself. No matter how far down the scale of social acceptance he may slide, he is still in his own eyes a king on a throne, and no one, not even God, can take that throne from him.”
The gist we got from it was that God doesn’t give up on us. His love for us is relentless, and He is in never-ending pursuit of our hearts. No matter how self centered we are. Even when we’re bent on doing what we want instead of what God wants. However, the self is good when it’s mirroring God and His goodness. When we conform our will to His, it’s for our best.
My mum illustrated it with something that really hit home. We work with adults with developmental disabilities. My mum is the team leader and she was saying that she sometimes feels an awful lot like this at work. If our folks could just understand that my mum’s entire purpose is to help them to have the best life possible. She sets up restrictions when it’s for their own good or safety. It’s not because she wants to hurt them or have some sort of power trip, but sometimes fun things and outings need to be cancelled because it’s not safe for them.
Yet, to them, they can’t see that my mum is doing everything that she can to make their lives the best they can be. They see the consequences or restrictions and don’t understand. They need to trust that my mum always has their best interest in mind. If they were able to do this they would have a happier life. They wouldn’t see some of the things that she does as negative, but as something that will make their lives better.
This is a lot like how God works in our lives. He does what’s best for us even though we can’t understand or see it. God has our best interests in mind at all times. This doesn’t mean that what He does in our lives will always be easy for us, or that it won’t ever hurt.
I can’t know what’s going to happen when I get back after my 11 months away. It’s so far away from now. The one thing I do know with absolute certainty is that whatever does happen is the best for me. God is choreographing the steps in my life and all I need to do is join in the dance, trust Him, and remember that His love for me is relentless.
