I haven’t been wanting to post any blogs lately. To be honest, I was afraid that I’m not saying what I’m meaning to say and well… Frankly, where I am. Is really hard.
The last couple months I have realized It’s not about me. And who I am. It’s not about my team and what we can do. Not about the pictures I post on Facebook or the blog posts that i write.. . It’s not even about how we are feel at any given moment.
What I realized is that it’s about us dying to ourselves. Jesus asked us to die to ourselves and take up our crosses. I’ve been trying to figure out what that actually means.
Matthew 16: 24-25
Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny
himself and take up his cross and follow me.”
I feel like I have thought that’s what I am doing along with everyone else on the race. I’ve been saying Yes, to the Lord! I’ve been suffering with no AC. With very little food. It’s been hard but I’ve been sticking it out. I haven’t quit and i haven’t gone home. There are bugs everywhere. I’ve taught people so many things. I’ve changed the lives of children. I’ve provided strength to those who need it.
The thing is I think sometimes we get it right but sometimes we are missing it. We use the word “I” a lot. I got to do this. I talked to this person. And so on.
But that’s not the truth.
It’s been God. It’s been the Holy Spirit. And we credit ourselves. Making us feel better. And making God sad.
Matthew 7:21-23
Not everyone who says to me, “Lord, Lord,” will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, “Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?” Then I will tell them plainly, “I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!”
That’s scary.
That’s undeniably terrifying.
Last month, I broke down crying. Actually I was completely hysterical.
I don’t know how long tears were pouring out. I don’t know how long it was that i couldn’t even breathe. And I can’t describe the sadness I felt.
But it was a glimpse of how our Father feels.
I want to try to describe in full what I saw. Part of that night is slightly jumbled. But I’m going to try my best..
It was the night at LDW ( where our entire squad gets together at the end of the month) some of my teammates and I were dropping Cayla off at the airport (She worked at the hostel we stayed at) afterwards we needed to stop at the grocery store to get peanut butter and jelly, for our travel day.
Mr. Mop was driving us back to the guesthouse. And my teammates and I were talking about how we would miss Cayla. And how she was a part of our team Even though she wasnt. That’s when an emergency vehicle with its lights flashing, passed by. I remember thinking.. That I didn’t see those very often. It was slightly unusual. And that’s when we came upon the accident.
Here’s what I saw. It felt like time had stopped altogether.
A body. Lying on the side of the road. A white sheet draped across his face and his torso. His shoes sticking out. And a woman. Weeping. Wailing. Sobbing. Hugging the life out of the man. Who was already dead. I don’t know what happened. But I’ve never felt pain like I did when I saw that woman.
But the most dreadful thing.
The throng of people standing around. Taking pictures. Videoing the scene. Crowds. watching this woman weep for her dead boyfriend. Perhaps he was her fiancé. Her husband. Her brother.
At first I was shocked. Did I actually just see that. I watched as tears fell from the eyes of my teammates. My first instinct was to comfort them.
And then we got back to the guesthouse.
I could no longer contain my emotions. As I was sitting in the bathroom. Full on hysterics.. I realized that’s how the Father feels.
Right now some of you might be thinking, that’s a bit dramatic. People die every day. We see it on TV; deaths, murders, accidents. Earthquakes and tsunamis wiping out entire countries.
But do we feel what the Father feels. After one of his children dies. One of his children that didn’t know him.
Every single person we meet. Is a child of God. He may be Buddhist. He may be atheist. He may be a Christian.
But what are we doing.
Every word. Every action should mirror who God is.
Think of someone you love.
Who do you see?
Do you see Jesus?
Do you see your brother or sister in Christ?
Here’s the hard truth–these are the same people you’re talking about behind their backs. These are the brothers and sisters you are lying to. These are people you’re jealous of or feel bitter towards. I’m no different. Maybe I don’t say it out loud. But I think things. I’m not perfect. I’m not saying any of us are.
But, What are we doing?
Are you smiling at the little boy next to you?
Are you embracing the old woman?
Are you talking to that prostitute down the road?
Are you hi-fiving that student?
Are you encouraging them? Telling them that despite everything Jesus loves them.
What about your brother or sister sitting next to you?
Or your sisters who are no longer in your life.
What are you saying to them? What are you saying about them?
Are you encouraging them?
Are you telling them, that despite everything Jesus loves them?
Jesus is working through us.
It’s not about being comfortable.
Who has the most bouije host or the most food.
It’s about dying to ourselves. And loving as Jesus loves.
Weeping as Jesus weeps. It’s about seeing people through God’s eyes. As his children. Who need him.
I need God. Because I cannot see the things I see with out his love and mercy. I cannot love the children who have no father. No mother. Without the strength of God. I cannot be who I am. Without God.
