This race is more than half way over. As I stop and think back on the last 6 months I can’t help but wonder, have I changed, have I really changed and if I have, how have I changed? Am I still the same woman who flew to Miami at the beginning of January or am I a new person?
Journal Entry January 10,2009
So here I am seriously, in Azua, Dominican Republic. What am I doing? I have no clue.
Journal Entry June 19, 2009
Today is the day. I know it is. Today I am dying of whatever is left inside of me so I may be filled with all that you are. I am filled with nervousness and excitement. Fill me God! Majestic and Mighty Lord!
I originally came on The World Race because I had a desire to be God’s hands and feet. I wanted to go where God called me and I wanted to be used by God. I wanted to speak to the nations. I wanted to win souls for Jesus. When I left home, I was sure this would be a year of serving God, and if I changed in the process, then great, and if I didn’t, no big deal. So I get here, and life is not what I expected. I was put on a team with 6 women that I did not know and who I would probably not have chosen to be with. We lived in community for the first time, and wow, what a struggle. I loved the ministry, but this whole “community living” thing just wasn’t working. I really struggled with this. I would ask God, why, why was I with these people? I knew God wanted more for me, I just could not understand why I was struggling so much with this, surely God did not desire for me to struggle in this way. As I continued month to month, I really began to like my teammates and eventually love them. In Vietnam, the Lord really began speaking to me about loving my teammates and seeing them as more than just teammates, seeing them as sisters. In Vietnam I really did choose to love my team. In Thailand, God continued to speak to me and to show me how to love the way He desired me to love. It was not until Zimbabwe though, that I really “got it”. Our second night in Zim, I was sitting on the balcony, crying out to God, asking why. Why do the children at the feeding center have to be there? Why have these poor people been removed from their homes and made to live in such harsh, horrible conditions? Why do we continue to lay hands on people and not see results? What inside of me is keeping people from receiving God’s blessings? What inside of me is keeping me from being one with the Lord? I know God wants to heal the sick, I know He desires to feed the hungry. Why am I not seeing it then? As I’m crying out to God, He responds in the sweet simple way He always does. He asked me, “Do you want more? Do you want more from your life than what you have made it?” I cried and said YES! I told the Lord I want so much more than what my life is and I begged God to remove whatever I was holding on to. I told God I wanted Him to reveal to me what I am refusing to hold on to so He can remove it and I can walk in victory with Jesus. I began doing a 7 day fast and truly hearing God speak. The first couple of days were emotionally difficult. The Lord began to reveal to me things that I did not realize I was struggling with; self esteem, acceptance, weight, jealously, comparison, and anger. Then He revealed to me the sources of these things and helped me to hand them over to Him. During these 7 days, I heard God clearer than ever before. During this time the Lord gave me insight to what He’s doing and confidence in Him to not understand it all, but to embrace it. God also brought some conviction to my heart concerning my team. The Lord revealed to me that because of my own pride and selfishness, I had wasted 5 months of amazing ministry opportunity. God revealed that our ministry is not so much about going out and partnering with other people, those things are an added bonus, the real ministry of this year is within my team. I had thought that pouring into squad mates and building relationships with them was good enough, but God said no. God showed me that this family I am with is that, my family. They are the people He has put in my life and they are who He wants me to minister to and to be ministered by. This really broke my heart. For the last 5 months, we have looked at each other as “team mates” not really as family. We have said countless times that our “team” is random and made the statement, “none of us would be friends at home before the race.” God really spoke to me one day about this. He asked me, “What does it matter if the 7 of you never would have been friends? Obviously MY will says you are to be more than friends.” How right is God! How foolish have we been! My not allowing ourselves to love one another, truly love one another the way Christ loves us, we are hindering God from being God! Within 24 hours God changed the way I look at my “family”. No longer do I see 7 women who I “love” despite who they are and the fact I would not have chosen them, but now I see 7 amazing Godly women who God has created to be amazing warriors for His Kingdom. The love I have in my heart for my sisters is pure, it’s the kind of love the Bible speak of, it is patient and kind, it shows grace, it does not judge and is not envious. It’s a love pure in the Lord. I look at my sisters now and I love them with everything inside of me. I now see them through the eyes of Christ! Though it makes me sad to think I missed the first 5 months of loving them this way, I rejoice in knowing the next 5 months will be filled with Christ’s love.
“How wonderful and pleasant it is
when brothers live together in harmony!
For harmony is as precious as the anointing oil” Psalm 133:1-2
There are 3 amazing people I have left back home. Three people who I have taken for granted. There are three amazing people that God has given me and I miss them with all my heart! God has really shown me this month what it means to love. Unfortunately, it has taken being completely away from my family to realize how much I love them. After falling in love with my teammates, God began to speak to me about my family. The Lord began to reveal to me what it means to really love my family. God showed me that a huge part of loving my family is laying them down. What does that even mean? What that means is trusting God enough to know He loves my family 100 times more than I ever could and understanding that there is nothing I can do other than pray and be as Christ, for my family. I realized that I simply saying “I love you” is not really loving them. I realized the way I respond to them, the way I talk to them, the way I react to them, these are examples of the type of love I have for them in my heart. I realized that every time I have snapped at them, every time I have blown them off, every time I have walked in my selfishness and in my own pride, it has hurt them the way it hurts God. The Lord brought great conviction to my heart and I shed many tears. I owe my family a huge apology. I am so sorry for being so self consumed and never taking anyone else’s feelings into consideration. God has shown me what it means to have grace and patience and mercy with one another. God has showed me how the amazing love that my family pours out into me, that is a living example of the love He pours on to me and what He wants in return. By going a month without communication with my family, I have been able to really understand what my family means to me, how much I truly love them, how much I desire to serve them the way God wants me to, and I have come to appreciate them 100 times more than I ever have!
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”-which is the first commandment with a promise- “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”<sup value='[a]’>Ephesians 6:1-2
I grew up knowing about the Lord. My family taught me, I went to VBS, I heard of Jesus Christ. I remember when my grandfather passed away, my parents told me he had a huge smile on his face right before he went to be with the Lord, I believed, and still do, that he saw Jesus. When I was around 10, I accepted Christ as my Savior. I grew up a Christian, falling short, but constantly getting back up. When I moved away from college, I dug myself into a pit of hell, and through this my Redeemer was able to truly Save me. I gave my life to Him freely and have been following Him with my whole heart. I wish I could say that I loved the Lord more than anything and anyone, but looking back six months ago, I’m sad to say I can’t say that. I loved God and believed I put Him above all else, but when it came to my family, I didn’t. I never allowed God to truly speak into my heart or my life what His plans were because when it came to my family, I wasn’t going to leave them. I never looked outside of my small town area when I saw my future because I could not possibly leave my mom. In college, people would tell me that I needed to cut the umbilical cord because I had to call home a million times and I needed to be home. Deciding to come on this race was completely God led. In my flesh, the thought of leaving my family, my mom, for 11 months, broke my heart. How was I going to last 11 months? The past 5 ½ months have been a lesson in “cutting the cord”. I never saw my dependence on my parents and on my family as necessarily a bad thing. I did not realize that my relying solely on my family was causing me to not rely on God. I would view my families support as a way God was working, and though I still believe that is true, I realize now that God wants to work in others ways, and I’ve been hindering Him from it.
He answered: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ Luke 10:27
For 27 years I have been searching for more. I wasn’t sure what “more” looked like or what it meant, I just knew there was more. I never really found satisfaction in any career or job. I did volunteer work for charities and gave of my time to my church, and yet, I still felt like something was missing. Even though I did not know what it was and even during the times when I strayed from the Lord, I still knew I wanted more! I have finally, FINALLY, found this amazing place in Christ! I am at a place in my life where all I want, all I want is to be one with God. All I want is to follow Him. All I want is to be the woman God has called me to be. I really have no idea how to explain it other than to say I’m in love with my Savior and I long to be in His presence. He speaks to me every day and in Him alone I find my identity. I have learned what it means to walk in complete victory, and never again will I be held captive. The Holy Spirit is alive in me; I am no more; it is God who flows through me. Happiness and joy is all I know, anger and sadness are in the past. Life is soooo good! Praise be to God, our Great King, our Father and Savior!
“Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.” Isaiah 58:8
About 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. My doctor has been treating me for Rheumatoid Arthritis. Every 3 months my mom sends me medications I have to take on a daily basis. For the last 2 years I have experienced pain throughout my body. Making a fist is hard, walking for long periods of time is painful, sitting for too long hurts, there is fatigue and just and again, pain. Despite this, I knew God was calling me on the race. The first Sunday we were in Zimbabwe, I was scheduled to preach. In the middle of the night I was woken up by this horrible pain in my leg. Only once before on the race have I felt this pain. I describe it as a paralyzing pain in my leg. I began to rub it, cry, and pray. In the morning I woke up and it was still painful, but not as bad. During this I realized that I have been saying that I know God wants to heal me and I have been saying that I believe God is going to heal me, but I’ve never really asked God for healing. After service on Sunday, I talked to Pastor Brian and explained to him what I was praying for healing and that God had told me to have him, Brian, to pray for me. Later, he along with a few others from the Heal Africa team, came over and with my teammate Stephanie Tyrna, they prayed for me. They anointed me with oil and prayed for me. My body went numb and I wasn’t really sure what happened. Well, this is what happened. GOD HEALED ME! First, God healed me from my cat allergy! Normally I am sick whenever I come near a cat, and I lived with a cat the entire time I was there! Next, God healed me of my onion allergy! I have had this annoying onion allergy that causes me to break out and in Vietnam even caused me to have problems breathing! Well, I’m 100% healed of that too! And Finally, my God has healed me of the RA! I haven’t felt this amazing in YEARS! I am no longer in pain, I’m no longer fatigued, and I’m able to run and move around and am so full of energy! I am walking n God’s freedom and in His victory! I feel incredible! It is so amazing and incredible to truly feel what God is doing!
Dominican Republic Month 1 Zimbabwe Month 6
