I miss my family. I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss my sister. I miss my dog. I miss my church. I miss my friends. I miss my car. I miss my co-workers. I miss my Bible study. I miss innocence. I miss the naïve. I miss Texas. I miss the small town feeling. I miss words no one but Texans understand. I miss my doctors. I miss people who speak English, proper or not, it’s what I understand. I miss pets living inside of homes. I miss trusting people. I miss having a home where mosquitoes don’t live. I miss having a home that doesn’t have ants or rats. I miss having a home. I miss my life before the race. Maybe I’m just having a really hard day. Maybe I’m just plain and simple, sick and tired of being sick and tired. Since the Dominican Republic I have battled some sort of sickness. In the DR and Haiti I had a cough that sounded like I had been a smoker for years. In Cambodia I had bronchitis which paired with the cough I had from the other two countries. In Vietnam I was healed of the cough, praise the Lord, but I battled with stomach problems which made it difficult to eat regularly. In Thailand I developed some sort of infection in my pinkie toe from the dirty ocean in Kosamed (where we had debrief). It has been 2 weeks and the doctors still do not have a definite on what they think is wrong with it. I go to the doctor every day, seriously. I miss out on prayer walking because if I want to minister at night, I have to stay off of it during the day. My toe can’t get wet and that is difficult because we are in rainy season. Taking a shower is interesting. I feel so alone in this. I know God is here and I know my family is praying for me, but to be honest, to be completely honest, I feel very alone. Maybe it’s because I’m the mother of the team. I cook and take care of everyone. I love it. I love making sure everyone is ok. I love taking care of them when they are sick. But I think I just expect what I give and what I get at home. I don’t mean anything bad against my teammates, they take care of me the best they can, the best they know how. And I appreciate it. I see people on my squad who have had horrible tragedies occur to them or concerning them time and time again and I praise God that He has spared me from huge tragedies, but I clearly see that it is the little, constant physical battles that are draining me.
Mother’s day just passed and so did my dad’s birthday. I’m not there. I did not get to share in these days with them. I try to pretend I’m ok with it, but I’m not. Yes, I know this is exactly where I am supposed to be. I do not doubt at all that God called me here right now, but that does not mean I’m ok with it. I don’t think it really matters if I’m “ok” with it, I believe He just wants me to be obedient and to trust Him, and that I do.
I love our ministry but it hurts. It hurts when I fall in love with the women I meet and I pray for hours and days without sleeping because I’m praying, and still seeing their lives filled with darkness I cannot possibly understand. It breaks my heart when the girls tell me they have no option and they mean it. It breaks me when I meet people who have never heard the name Jesus Christ. It crushes me when I see children hanging out with their moms who work or own the bars. It breaks my heart when I see myself and my team walking in our flesh when we should be walking in our spirits.
I have prayed over and over again for God to shake the foundations of my faith. I have asked to be sifted. That is a dangerous prayer. I knew that before I prayed it. I am now going through that process. I expected at some point on this race to see things that would shake me. I expected to see things that would bring up questions to the Lord. Those expectations have been met and surpassed. We are now involved in a battle that is on a new level in the spiritual realm. We have stirred up the enemy. He is not happy and he’s using what he can to get to us. Fortunately, we all know that God has already defeated him and we can rejoice in that. But our armor is getting dented and dirty. Praise God for that.
I look out of my bedroom window, I see the mountain, I see the clouds resting on the mountain top, and the Holy Spirit fills me up again. He gives me strength, He gives me peace. He reminds me I can lean on God. Smile. God has given me this vision of me standing on top of the mountain, I lean back and let go, I free fall into the clouds where His hands are. I fall in His hands. He carries me. He’s telling me to let go. He’s telling me to let go of this piece of control I’m trying to have. He’s asking me to release it. I’m letting go. I’m letting go. In His hands I fall, I give this control up to Him.
Isn’t God amazing? This started out as a random blog of emotions and God ended it with a vision of what He’s doing. I love my God! I love Jesus!
