I don`t know where to begin this blog and how it is going to come out. I have had a lot on my heart and mind the past few days that it is a little overwhelming. God is showing up and revealing a lot to me even though I am walking through a desert time with God right now. Alot has happened with leaving Peru and coming to Nicarauga. It has been a whirlwind or sorts. We have had the luxury of staying at a nice hotel with wi-fi, hot showers, nice beds and even laundry service. The area is nice and even a great diner with American type foods. My first thought was “wow are we really on a mission trip because I feel like I am on vacation“ It almost felt wrong to be here as it is too nice in a sense. I was reminded by someone at that point that God is and will bless us even when we are missionaries. I thanked God for this blessing and continued on my way.
I have to admit that when I heard we have internet on the drive here I right away thought that I will need my group to hold me accountable. I tend to put internet before God and let it take away from my time with God. If I had to choose to read the word and pray….or go online and chat with friends, sad to say but I would choose internet. I then thought I will tell my group that I need to limit my time on the net and be held accountable for that. Well needless to say God took care of this dilemma for me himself. No sooner had we gotten here and then the next day were told that we would be moving on Tuesday to a new location. I right away thought it would be a similar place and all the amenities we would need. WRONG…..I got a reality check!!! I heard this place was beautiful, so yesterday we went to the visit the location and I had high expectations. Well it was beautiful surroundings and lots of trees and nice scenery, but it wasn`t as glamourous at all. It is an orphange with 10 teens and 3 younger children living there. Our living area is 2 bedrooms with beds and bathrooms. It is nothing fancy but yet we have beds, so yes I am thankful.
I don`t know why but my spirit was uneasy as we went to visit. I truly learned what it means to let go of expectations on this trip. My first thought was how am I going to stay here where we don`t have hot showers and internet etc. Mind you we have been living that way for the past 3 months so I should be used to it by now. To put it bluntly I felt like God was teaching me something through all of this. I felt like why did we have to have these 5 days in a nice place and then we have to go to this place. I forgot to mention that the reason we aren`t living there yet is they have no water right now. So they are looking out for our best interest. I know now that I am being selfish and want the best of everything. I am realizing that I need to examine my heart and my motives. I was reminded again that I am not on this trip to be comfortable. I am here to be uncomfortable and serve those around us.
I am reading the book A hole in our gospel by Richard Stearns (a must read if you haven`t read already) and one of the great quotes is “when we say that we want to be his disciples yet attach a list of conditions, God refuses to accept our terms. His terms involve unconditional surrender“ Am I ready to surrender all that is holding me back. Am I ready to give up all that I need to satisfy me and let God alone satisfy me. Richard Stearns also said that we don`t completely surrounder our lives to Christ because we don`t want to sacrifice the things we possess, they have begun to possess us. God can`t give us the blessings he has for you until you first put down the other things you are clutching in your hands.So to put bluntly I need to let go of my comforts I still have and let God be my comforter and source of need.
Yesterday as I walked around and prayed by myself I had tears, I then realized that God was saying that he was going to take me out of the desert this month. My team leader also said this month will be a month of walking out of the desert time I am experiencing. I feel like all these thoughts and feelings I have had the past couple days are leading up to deeper and more intimate times with God. Hence we are staying in a place with lots of good and queit places to be alone with God and not have the amenities to distract us.
So to end this already long blog, I had my time of frustration and time of examining my heart more closely. I know that in our ministry this month God will awaken my soul to bigger things. Our ministries will include children`s ministry and quite a variety of different ministries this month. I am excited to see what God will do.
