This is the current class of Fellows at Adventures in Missions.
(No, I’m not lost. I’m supposed to be in this picture.)
A big thing that I experienced during my first week working as a Fellow at Adventures was the destruction caused by performance identity and expectations.
Man, that sounded kind of dramatic, didn’t it? Nothing big or bad happened, but I learned how my heart succumbs to seeking satisfaction through performance, and expectations actually inhibit my satisfaction and fulfillment.
I’ll give you two examples.
First example: the very nature of my Fellowship is contradictory to a performance mentality. I mean, let’s be honest, few men think “I really want to be in a program where I’m the only guy!”. It sounds great if you’re trying to date, but it’s not overly impressive on the outside. In small ways, I have had to die to lies about what my program looks like. Am I going to let the enemy tell me that my program is not right for me, or I’m in the wrong place, because I’m the only man?
Little lies come up often. But I won’t listen.
Second example: I was helping lead (singing and playing guitar) a worship night for the Fellows this past week. I was nervous beforehand, because 1. that’s just normal, but 2. I was worried about “what will they think if I mess up or don’t sing well?”. I prayed through it and moved on, but as soon as I started leading worship, my mind launched to focusing on lyrics, stressing out over strum patterns, and intently trying to sound inspirational.
I got nothing out of the worship that I was leading.
I left confused, frustrated, and empty because the affirmation that I was seeking through my performance mentality was blocking the affirmation the Father wanted to give me through His love. The very thing I was seeking was keeping from me the very thing that sustains me for eternity.
Expectations can be useful when communicated and brought to match the Lord’s will. Performing to the best of your ability honors the gifting and talents that have been given to us by Our Father.
But too often, and in too creative of ways, the enemy convinces me that my identity is found in my performance, and expectations are a right of mine. I am what I do, and I should expect for it go my way.
I am a son, and all that I should is expect is that My Father means good for me.
And that’s enough.
