When you almost fall off a mountain, relying on your team & God does not seem like such a daunting task. Peru taught me a lot about myself and how much I have missed out on having a community of my peers. My team has been patient and loving to me. They have not put up with my unwillingness to be vulnerable because they know like I do now that there is beauty in the breaking.
I have always felt that it was ok for other people to be vulnerable, but not for me because my moments of vulnerability have been used against me and caused me to believe vulnerability is weakness. I am learning that is not the truth. My False Self wanted to prove that I was tough as nails and too protected for anyone or anything to be able to hurt me; however, my True Self wanted so badly to be open and vulnerable with people. Fear kept me from being able to push through the hardships I had suffered. It blinded me from seeing that this group of people wanted to love me for me, not for any other reason.
Trust became a key problem for me when it came to my team, but it also has been an issue in God’s and my relationship. I have a hard time trusting that people want to know me and will not be scared away by my brokenness. I wanted so badly to trust my team, but I was battling with God about it and could not seem to push through the barrier.
One day we hiked up the beginning of the Andes Mountain in Peru. I had been skeptical of going because I feared I would not be able to keep up with the guys on my team. The hike started out hard for me because I was too focused on making sure I kept the pace and did not enjoy the beautiful creation that God had put in front of me. After a little while I got excited about finding my way up because there was not a clear path for us to take. We took the trail less travelled and at times I was on the side of the mountain trying to rock climb without a harness. I promise it was not as scary as it sounds.
Once we got to the top there was not a flat area for us to look around, but I began looking down and a switch flipped. I began climbing down and my heart began to race, my feet began to slide with every move I made and all I could think was that I was going to fall without being able to save myself. I began praying to God to bring my teammates to help me because I could not find a place for my hands to hang on to. One of my teammates asked to go in front of me, but I was too stubborn to say yes and too scared to say no. I wanted to be independent (nothing new there for anybody who knows me).
I continued on and came to a point where my foot began slipping on the side of a rock (we were still at the top at that point). I tried to grab around behind me, so my back would be against the wall, but I had my book bag on and it blocked my ability to reach anything. I yelled for my teammate and told him I was slipping. He could only reach the handle at the top of my book bag. I knew he was not in a position to keep me from falling. All I know is that God put His hand under my foot and helped me hold myself up and move. I was terrified. I have never been so close to falling like that in my life. God showed up when I needed Him most. He also showed me in that moment that I could trust Him and my team because both of them were there for me when I needed them. God knows how stubborn I am and that to get my attention He has to take drastic measures. It worked.
I knew that after that moment that I had to trust God because He was what got me through one of the scariest moments in my life. He saved me, when I could not save myself. God also showed me to trust my team because they had helped me get down the mountain the rest of the way. God has placed these amazing people in my life to grow me and love me. I have a long way to go before I am able to fully trust my team, but I received some amazing advice by my coach Selena. She told me that it is not about trusting my team, but about trusting God because if I can trust Him then I will learn to be able to trust my team because I am trusting in my heavenly father who loves me more than anything in the world.
