Six days into the WR and self-doubt has begun to seep into my thoughts. The thoughts of not knowing if going on the WR was the right move or if I can do ministry for 11 months in community with 5 other people was too much to take on. The thoughts begin to make me feel like I have lost my way and that maybe I do not have what it takes to be a world racer.
It is hard to address these thoughts when alone time is not easy to come by and I keep feeling that if I feel this way now, how am I going to feel 3 months in, 6 months in or even 10 months in. The doubts of if I will be able to last the entire 11 months on this race are scary. Many people have financially supported me, so that I could have an incredible experience that not all people have an opportunity to partake in. Many people have also been in prayer for me for several months as I prepared to leave for the race. I feel as if I would let all of those people down if I were to decide to leave the race and not pursue it until the end.
A couple years ago, I would have allowed these self-doubts to run rampant without me even recognizing what was going on. I would have withdrawn from the people around me and decided that I was better off on my own. Being in community with this team of people has made it to where I cannot as easily withdraw and remove myself from them and fortunately I am able to recognize that that is not the best way to handle the situation. I was prayed over last night by my team, when they realized how hard of a time I was having. It was just one of those days where I felt out of place and just unable to keep up. I did not feel like my heart was open to God like it needed to be and I was having a hard time coming before God with my hurt and disappointment in myself.
I always thought that this was what God wanted me to do with my life. Missions. I felt closest to God when I was doing missions overseas. Here I am doing what I thought God wanted me to do with my life and I feel inadequate. I feel like this is a lot harder than I thought and I’m not sure I’ll make it. I think the language barrier is one of the hardest things because even when I was in Uganda, the children knew a lot more English. I am in the trenches, meaning that this is the front lines. It’s beautiful, but the children, even the older ones, do not know a lot of English. Their English is about as good as my Spanish. I do not know a lot of Spanish-especially not conversationally. In the trenches, I am learning to show love in different ways than I am used to. I have to show my love through my actions instead of speaking it.
A sweet friend of mine through a notebook she and her mother made, states on the back of the cover that “God does not call those who are equipped, He equips those whom He has called.” I needed that reminder. God does not expect me to know how to do this. What God does expect of me is to call on His name in times of trouble and he will come to my aid. God wants me to rely on Him to give me the words to speak and a serving heart.
God has laid it on my heart that I cannot pursue this race on the basis of not wanting to let my supporters down. God has spoken into my heart and told me that this race is about me pursuing Him and wanting to draw near to Him and in the process bringing others into discipleship with Him. This has to be my reasoning for continuing on this race. This is the only way that I can survive the hardships on this race and the self-doubts that the devil brings into my mind. Reliance on God alone.
“And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’”
2 Corinthians 12:9
