Have you ever felt that you needed God more than you needed the sun? The air? The earth? The sky? Your next breath?
I’ve talked to a variety of people about this subject and have met some pretty interesting responses. Some people look at me like I’m crazy. Some people seem to almost admire me for even thinking about it. And then there are some people who seem to grasp the gut-wrenching truth behind the Psalm: “As the deer pants for the water, so my soul longs after You…”
I recently came yet again to this conclusion, knowing I desperately needed a God-intervention. Until I believed His truths about me, I will never be able to be secure in who I am. I don’t know how to believe it from my own power; I desperately needed God to show up and make it a reality.
I gave God an ultimatum (not always the best choice when talking to God, but I never claimed to be perfect): If you do not show up, don’t bother making the sun rise tomorrow.
It was one of the few times in my life I heard an almost audible response to my prayers.
I won’t. I never have. I never will. In fact, the sun rising each morning is my promise to you that I have already shown up, and I will continue to show up.
That night I decided to pray and fast all night until I saw the promise of God with my own eyes as the sun rose behind the snow-capped mountains of Montenegro. The following are just a few snapshots from my journal during the night.
10:30pm – Lord, I am lost without You. Utterly hopeless. If you do not show up and take over my life, don’t bother making the sun rise tomorrow. I need you far more than I need the sun. So here I am, praying until I see that sunrise. Until I see that promise that You are who You say You are. Until I know that you are showing up. Take over, Lord.
11:30pm – Remember from where you came. Testimonies are powerful tools. Not just for others, but to remind you of where I’ve brought you. You have grown so much, my child. What followed was a 9-page recount of the last 22 years of my life.
1:00am – Ok, God. So I don’t believe that I am worthy. Therefore I have trouble loving myself. This translates into my insecurities, my distrust of others, and my inability to say anything positive about myself. But what am I supposed to do with that? I can say I give it to You; I can speak truth over myself, but at the end of the day, do I really live like I believe it? No, I’m missing something. How do I put into practice something only You can do? How long will You make me wait?
2:30am – God, I’m cold, I’m tired, I’m hungry. I need your strength to make it through this night. Beginning to wonder if it’s worth it. Will I hear from You tonight, or will I waste the night shivering? I hold fast, knowing You will not leave me cold and abandoned.
3:15am – Psalm 50:14 – “Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving…”. Lord, I am so thankful for: Education. Provision. The ability to praise You. Warm clothes. Friends who bring me warm tea in the middle of the night. A family who loves You. Sight. Colors. Ancient cities. Not bowing to my wants. Painful things that make me grow…
3:30am – Out of this whole world, why choose me?
There are over 6 billion people in this world. So many stomp on My name. So many spit on My crown of thorns. So many make a mockery of My death. So few say yes to Me. You said yes. You still say yes. You get it! You understand the point of the cross. You have committed your life to something that so few people even dare to touch. DON’T YOU SEE HOW SPECIAL THAT MAKES YOU? You are so worthy, you are so loved, because you said yes!
4:00am – Last few hours before the sunrise. I’m kinda miserable, but I guess that’s part of the point. It’s gonna be a little miserable before the sunrise. Just like it’s gonna be a little miserable before You intervene in my life. But I know that the sun is coming, and I know that You are ready to work in my life. I just need to be patient and enjoy the stars while I wait.
5:00am – Do I need to finish? I’m so cold. I’m so tired. I can’t do this. Yes, you will rise tomorrow; You will come through, but do I need to torture myself in the process?
Psalm 25: “To You, Oh Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in You I trust, do not let me be ashamed… indeed, none of those who wait for You will be ashamed… make me know Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truths and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day… turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distress. Look upon my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins… guard my soul and deliver me; do not let me be ashamed, for I take refuge in You. Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for You.”
Isaiah 40:31: “Those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.”
5:15am – Just starting to see light peek out from behind the mountains. Focus on His word and you will lose sight of the pain, and the promise will begin to reveal itself. The birds are starting to sing. A new day is born. A promise fulfilled. Lord, continue to fulfil your promises to me, and I will wait. No matter how bitter the conditions.
I don’t know how long I will have to wait for God to make me believe the truths about who I am in Him, but my night spent in the bitter cold taught me a little about waiting on the Lord, and trusting that when He makes a promise, He will follow through. Every time.
