Have you ever felt a pit in your stomach?
Not that normal, “Did I leave the iron on?” pit, but one of those real, grief-stricken, wonder-if-you’ll-ever-be-able-to-breathe-again kinds of pits? The kind of pit that leaves you staring at a blank wall, wondering what that person who appears to be talking to you is actually saying. The kind of pit that knocks you off your feet and prompts questions like “where is God?” and “Why, God?”.
Why do we always jump to that question when faced with trials? I mentioned it a little in my previous post, but I feel as though we always seem to question God’s benevolence, or worse yet, very existence, in times of trouble. But why should our heartache lessen the greatness of God’s sovereignty?
For me, and what I’ve seen with a few other pre-World Racers, is that our life pre-race seems to be full of challenges such as these. Whether it’s worries about support raising when you’re 3 months in and have barely seen any funds coming in, or you’re beginning to realize that you’re leaving your family and the comforts of home to spent a whole year in some of the darkest places of the world. In one way or another, we’re all brought to our knees, calling out to God for some sort of relief and hope.
In my life, this point came recently in a whole new way, on Monday, January 28th. My grandpa’s kidney cancer returned after many years, and was undergoing surgery to remove the affected kidney and the tumor that was growing into his vena cava. I was sitting in my capstone class, BMS 495, and received missed calls from first my brother, then my mom, and then my dad. After class, I called them back to receive the gut-wrenching news that my grandpa had not made it through the surgery, due to unanticipated complications. It was one of those times where you’re on the phone, but not quite sure what to say, so you just thank the person telling you, hang up, and just try to make it through the bus ride without letting yourself completely fall apart until you get home.
This could have easily been one of those times where I questioned God’s control, yelled at Him, or been angry with Him. None of it made sense. It shouldn’t have happened. But last weekend I was with my family, and I didn’t have to ask where God was, because God was there with us the whole time. Seeing the strength and hope in the Lord from his blushing bride of 55 years, my grandma, was proof enough for me that God’s hand was over everything. We had a wonderful memorial service on Saturday that was truly a celebration of the life he lived, and a declaration of the hope we have in Christ that we will all be reunited in Heaven.
Seeing my grandma this past weekend, I know that this was the hardest thing she has ever had to deal with. But it also was the perfect picture of God’s grace, His protection over us, and His kindness toward us in our weakest moments. The love of our Lord truly makes it possible for us to pick up the pieces of our life after tragedy strikes, and look on toward the future with a smile in our heart.
As Pastor Paul Tripp, of Paul Tripp Ministries, recently posted on his facebook page, “Today you have hope, not because you've gotten stronger and wiser, but because God's grace is everything he declared it to be.” These words could not be truer, and have become such a comfort for me in these past few weeks.
My grandpa loved his family more than anything, and bragged about all his grandkids to whomever he met. So, this one's for you, Gramps. Rest in Peace, you're always in my heart. 1936-2013
And so, I’ll leave you with a favorite song of mine, and a Bible verse:
The most recent picture of my whole family, at my sister's wedding, 2010
