(disclaimer – if you’ve been following my blog for a while, you’ve probably heard portions of this story before. but God told me to write about this, and this is the only way I know how. so bear with me through the parts you’ve heard, and rejoice with me in the revelations I’ve gotten. and, as always, thanks for reading!)
process 1 |ˈpräËŒses; ˈprÅ�-|
noun
1 a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end : military operations could jeopardize the peace process.
• a natural or involuntary series of changes : the aging process.
• a systematic series of mechanized or chemical operations that are performed in order to produce or manufacture something : the modern block printer needs to accommodate all the traditional factory processes in one shop.
A year ago, I thought I had everything figured out. I thought I was going to spend some time in a certain undisclosed location, come back, and work toward moving there long-term. About a month before I left for that place, some major events occurred in that area of the world and concerns about safety were raised, as well as the practicality of sending a short-term worker into such an environment. The people I was going to be joining on the ground had no concerns about me joining them, so I was able to go. To make a long story short, the situation continued to escalate and I was asked to leave early. Even still, when I returned to the US, I knew that I had left my heart there, and I thought I had heard God pretty clearly tell me I would be going back (I even told one of my friends there that, and I hate making promises I don’t intend to keep). I started to talk with the organization about filling out all the long-term worker paperwork, about attending their training during the summer, and about the possibility of me moving there sometime during the fall/winter (as in, I would be there by now).
Something wasn’t sitting well with me, though. It wasn’t that I had heard the Lord incorrectly, or that I was doubting His call on my life. It just seemed as though the timing was off. So I took a step back from my plans and asked God what He wanted. I told Him that this seemed like my only option, and that if He wanted me to do something else He better show up and let me know what it was pretty quickly (probably not the best way to go about talking with the God of the universe, but I’m so glad He has grace for crazy people like me who dare to do that anyway!). Since I had decided not to go to this other organization’s training, the logical step for me was to volunteer to help with World Race training camp, so I headed down to the corner of Tennessee expecting just to serve, to hang out with old friends, and to go back to Michigan afterward and start thinking about what I was going to do with my life.
Funny thing is, though, that wasn’t exactly God’s plan in getting me to come down for training camp. He orchestrated conversations that week that allowed me to share my heart, to share the desire I had to go back to this place and also to share the uncertainty I had about going back right now. He allowed me to share that I was seeking something, when I didn’t even know what I was looking for. And He “just happened” to make those conversations happen with someone who could offer a solution.
So I ended up on this team going to India, even though my heart is still to be going somewhere else and doing something else. I was sharing with my team the other day that it’s not that God hasn’t called me to India or called me to work with those affected by human trafficking or called me to do anything else that this team is going to be doing. Honestly, I think those are all things that flow out of being a Christian: loving God, loving His people, taking care of the widow and the orphan and the oppressed. It’s just that I don’t feel like going to India is the specific call God has placed on my life for the long-term. So why in the world am I going, then? Yeah, good question! I had been struggling with that one quite a bit myself.
What God has been telling me is that it’s not necessarily about the goal, about the “end,” (if you will). At this point, it’s so much more about the process than anything else. It’s about me figuring out what it looks like to be a part of a team planning long-term service somewhere. It’s about getting to know AIM as an organization, not just as the company that developed the World Race and sent me out on a crazy trip-around-the-world with a bunch of other people my age-ish. It’s about divine appointments that can happen right here, in Gainesville, GA: conversations I’ve had with people here that I never would have had if I’d just gone ahead and moved overseas on my own, connections I’ve made (and re-made) with people in the AIM office that have gotten me excited about where things are headed with our new long-term missions department. It’s about me serving someone else’s dream while at the same time God is allowing me to understand a bit more of His plan for my life (He’s showing me that being here is just a small part of a much bigger picture, that there’s a specific reason I’m a part of what’s happening right now.)
I wish I could say more. I wish I could just blurt out where I’ve been and where I feel God is calling me. I wish I could say what AIM’s role is hoping to be in all this. But that would be detrimental in a couple of ways: first, it would compromise the ministry of the people with whom I’ve worked in the past and with whom I’m hoping to work again in the future; and secondly, it would only encourage me to talk about and dwell on those possibilities instead of focusing on what God has called me to right here and right now. So get excited with me, because God is on the move. He is speaking to me and showing me bits and pieces of His plan for my life. But He is also calling me to the here-and-now, to be fully present as part of this team and fully invested into our ministry in India, and to continue to trust that His plan and His way and His timing are so much better than mine. He’s taking me through a process of refinement, and I know that I’ll come out stronger at the end!
where I'm hoping to go back to someday
