Yesterday I was put on call for work. Basically, that meant I had all day to sit around and do whatever I wanted as long as I could be ready for work quickly, should they have needed to call me in. So I got up and had these great intentions for the day: have some great quality quiet time, write blogs, have some worship time with my guitar…you know – things a “good” Christian would do. But instead, what did I do all day? I sat on the couch, caught up on my favorite TV shows, messed around with the music on my iPod and computer, and spent way too much time on facebook/gmail/random other things online.
Now, I know just saying that I did this stuff instead of spending time with Jesus does not make me a bad person or a bad Christian, because I’m pretty sure we all need days/periods of time for our brains to take breaks in order to keep sanity. The problem with me is that this has become my norm on days I’m not working. I’m addicted to the internet. I’ve started living vicariously though what other people are doing and have gotten caught up in reading what people are posting online instead of doing things for myself. Too often, I find myself wondering who’s posted something on facebook or their blog, but actually calling someone up and talking to them has become a foreign concept to me.
The problem is that I know how a radically-in-love follower of Jesus Christ should live.
How they should act. What should occupy their time.
I have all the right answers.
But somewhere between working 12-hour days and having unlimited wireless internet access at home and not having a ton of friends who live in the same state as me, I’ve lost sight of who I want to be. I’ve forgotten what make me really feel alive – and no, it’s not watching reality TV or reading fandom facebook posts. Somehow, I’ve managed to forget that there is a world right outside my door that God put there for me to explore, a world full of lost and hurting and confused people, a world He wants to use me in to bring Him glory. I’ve lost sight of the goal, the prize, and instead let life get in the way and confuse my journey. I have become complacent, content to just sit back and watch life go by.
And that’s scary.
So what does make me feel alive? Where do I find the most joy? When do I feel closest or most connected to my Maker? What gives me that rush, makes my heart beat 10 times faster, draws me to tears, compels me to dance before the Throne of my King, strikes me face-down in awe and wonder?
Serving.
Worship.
Community.
Adventures.
Helping people.
Being overseas.
Deep conversations.
Sitting in silence before the Throne.
Kingdom.
Father, draw me back to You like only You can do. Wrap Your arms around me and hold me close so that I can soak in Your presence. Breathe Your Life into me to fill and sustain me. Open my heart and my eyes to see the big picture again. Show me where You want me, where You need to put me so that I can grow closer to You and more dependent on You, while at the same time bring others close to You. Open my heart, Lord Jesus. Help me to not be afraid to take risks, to love, to be vulnerable, to try new things. Give me direction – I’m ready to go and be used. I’m ready to move past this phase of wandering through the desert and enter the Promised Land, to start taking hold of the promises You’ve made for me.
Here I am. Send me.
