Because the squad is living and working together this month, one of the things that we're doing is sharing life stories each night. You would think that after 10 months together that we would know each other's stories pretty well; but, the truth is, you get to know the stories of the people you're working with (your team) and maybe a few others along the way. So, I've enjoyed our time of sharing each night, remembering how much He really does love us, and that He comes after us, rescues us, and restores us in so many unique and uplifting ways.
Alphabetically, I'm last on the squad, so I get to share my story at the end of the month, which means that I have a lot of time to think about it. Some of my squadmates are only 22 or 23, and I think how dramatically different my story is now from what it would have been then. Things that were so important to the story of my life 10 years ago don't even register as footnotes now.
So, a lot of my recent life story has to do with dreams and dreaming, and I thought that it might be fun to blog about it to help me organize my thoughts. Although both types of dreams (“big, hopeful life goals” and “the pictures in my head at night”) play a role in how God's been working in my life, I'm going to focus on the “big, hopeful life goals” here.
After my divorce, I had a lot of broken dreams. The normal “American Dream” seemed so far removed from my reality as a 28-year-old single woman in a one bedroom apartment, saving enough money each month to hopefully afford a house one day… when I was, like, 57. Depression would taunt me, telling me that even then, I'd be miserable and alone. (Or, I thought that I'd possibly be delirious and have 83 cats, if I decided to go the crazy cat-lady route. Let's face it, break-ups are rough on the self-esteem!)
Something beautiful started to emerge, though. I realized that I had other dreams, lots of them, and dreaming them helped me cope with the sadness of my lost ones. I even created a Dream Board, where I posted pictures of things I was dreaming about (pre-Pinterest, of course). Travel and learning were big on the board, along with volunteering. I even had a description of my dream house. The board was a place for me to put my dreams, without censoring them as either unimportant or too big or too specific. It was the perfect outlet for my life at the time.
After being divorced for two years, I started getting counseling which transformed my life. [Insert 37 blogs here describing how an amazing God turned it all around for me, giving my hope where I was once hopeless, joy instead of mourning, and forgiveness instead of bitterness.] It was somewhere during this time that I had an interesting experience. I dialed a wrong number and ended up reconnecting with a friend that I hadn't seen since the divorce first happened. She and her husband had just moved into a new house and she invited me over to spend time with her and her two adorable little boys.
When I stepped into her house, I had this sense that I had been there before. And, as I walked through it, I realized that I had: her house was exactly like MY house on the Dream Board. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that I think I could have given myself the tour. It was surreal.
And so I waited for it. I waited for the feelings of sadness and jealously and bitterness that had been my constant companions for years. I waited for that feeling that was a little happy for her, but mostly sad for me. I waited, and I waited, and I waited… and it never came. The only feeling I had was sheer happiness that God had blessed her life so much; and, not only that, I realized that I was excited about what was unfolding in my life and I wouldn't trade that for all the dreams I had on my board at home.
Exhilarated by these brand-new emotions, I immediately went home and took everything off the Dream Board. If God's love felt like what I was feeling, my dreams weren't worth pursuing. I decided that I would quit dreaming for good. Maybe, MAYBE, if I ever had dreams again, they would be God's dreams for me; but, even so, it was just better for life to unfold as God wanted it. My real life encounter with my dream house taught me that my dreams weren't going to satisfy me. Only Jesus does that; so, I reasoned, the only thing worth pursuing was God's love. Dreaming was done.
“You're going to dream again. You'll see.” After revealing my big breakthrough in my next counseling session, I remember thinking that this statement was a warning and not the intended encouragement. After all, dreaming wasn't safe. Dreaming opened you up to disappointment. Jesus was the only safe place, and I was content to follow him without the distraction of dreaming.
A few months later, I started dating Devin. And I tried really hard not to have dreams for us. Sometimes what were actually dreams slipped in under more practical title of “plans.” But they were plans that were a long time off. I recognize now that that's sometimes what you call a dream. But I didn't know it then. During this time, I remember getting a word at the house of prayer. It was about dreaming.
“God is saying that he wants you to dream bigger,” she started praying over me. I thought about it. I realized that maybe this word was related to Devin and some of the drea… oops, I mean, “plans” for our future. I was pretty sure that God wanted us to get married, and I remember being a little confused because I thought that those WERE big dreams, especially considering what I had been through. “No,” she continued, “BIGGER. Really, really BIG DREAMS.” With this she made a large, repetitive circular motion with her hand. You know, exactly the kind of motion you would make if you were trying to get people to guess the word “world” if you were playing charades. I didn't even know what the World Race was, but, I recognize now that God was starting to prepare me for something bigger than I could even attempt to dream. (Not that I was dreaming anything…)
I was still in dream denial. Ultimately, this denial helped me when Devin and I broke up a few months later, because even though it was a confusing time and it hurt, I knew that I could trust God with his plans and I wasn't worrying about a bunch of broken dreams lying around.
Enter the World Race. I came across the website and couldn't get it out of my mind. You could say that I was dreaming about it, a lot. But if you had asked me about it, at the time I would have told you that I was “thinking” and “praying” about it. Much to my surprise, I realized that so many of the things that the WR offered lined up with things I had put on the original Dream Board. Occasionally it occurred to me that maybe God cared about my dreams after all.
Things progressed and God opened all the doors for me to go on the race. Throughout the year, I was very aware that I still had feelings for Devin and that maybe, just maybe when I returned from the race… but I would stop there, because I didn't want to dream about it. I just wanted to let it happen (you know, if God wanted it to happen).
I went to WR training camp in July; and at home during worship the following Sunday morning, God nudged me with a gentle remark:
“You never tell me your dreams.”
I instinctively responded, “But God, you know that I only want to dream your dreams and do them. My dreams are so small and yours are so big. My dreams aren't important.”
He continued, “But you tell your friends your dreams.”
Hmmm, well, all those plans and things that I was praying for… I guess, maybe, those qualified as dreams; and, if they did, I was definitely telling my friends about them.
And then, the final blow: “You tell your friends your dreams, and I want to be your friend.”
Leave it to God to break down every defense with the promise and pleasure of relationship with him. All I wanted was to love God, and to receive more of his friendship and the lavish love that comes with it. I needed no more convincing. I sat down right then and wrote the longest journal entry of my life, detailing every dream in the same way that I would with my closest friends.
I was dreaming again.
I could tell you about all the dreams I wrote down, but, in an attempt to bring this to a close, I'll just tell you about the last one I divulged to God. I wanted to marry Devin. I was a little sheepish about admitting this, but, I realized that God actually knew that it was my dream before I did, so, it was probably cool to tell Him.
The next three days were a whirlwind of spiritual activity, with God revealing things to me that happened throughout the year and how they related to Devin. By the time Wednesday rolled around, I was having some serious conversations with God. I ended up telling God that I thought that He DID want me to marry Devin, and that I was going to pray with faith throughout the WR that it would happen when I returned. (Whoa, right? From no dreams to major life commitment!) “But,” I pleaded with God, “if I'm wrong about Your will in this, would You please, please, PLEASE let me somehow know and stop me from wasting 11 months praying for a dream that's not Yours?”
Like I said earlier, dreaming opens you up to disappointment. I can admit to you that Month 10 is here and the World Race is not everything that I dreamed it would be. I have times when I'm disappointed about this. But, unlike the woman I was 5 years ago when my marriage ended, my broken dreams don't threaten to slice me open with every move I make. I've entrusted my dreams to God. If a dream I have is broken, I know that He will lovingly exchange my current disappointment with future blessings if I'm willing to wait for his dreams (which are still bigger and better than mine) to show up.
I listen to Bethel Church's Sermon of the Week podcasts, and recently I heard this thought: So many people say that they don't want any dreams for their lives except God's dreams. (That's what I was saying when I stopped dreaming a few years ago.) But, when you love somebody, you know what their dreams are, and you want their dreams to happen. If our priorities are in place, and we're loving God first, His dreams will become our dreams. We don't have to worry about dreaming the wrong dreams if we're loving the right Person. The whole thing summed up the journey that I've been on so succinctly. (Unlike this blog!)
As for my dreams of getting married after the race, less than 6 hours after I prayed that bold prayer to God, I got a text from Devin asking me out for coffee. Long story short, we were engaged a week before the race started and our wedding date is December 21st. Oh yeah, one more thing: our honeymoon is going to be at a resort called Dreams. When we made those plans, the significance of the name was lost on me. Not anymore.
I love the way God writes our stories.
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4
