Today is going to be a bad day.
The thought went off along with my alarm clock. Nothing in particular triggered it- in fact, I am a generally optimistic person. It was the first day of October. September had been full of situations in which God stretched me to trust his will over my own, and I guess all that stretching had worn me out. Riding the waves of emotion, I was clinging to God with all I had. I was hoping that the new month would offer some relief… and the day’s first thought was not promising. Discouragement had hit me big time.
Sometimes I journal my prayers to God, and that’s what I did that morning before getting ready for work. I don’t usually share my journal with anyone, but, you’re choosing to spend a little time here with me, so, in gratitude, I’ll expose a little of my heart from that morning. It started, “Abba, you are the only one who can bring me peace… guard my heart and mind, reveal more of your plan and purpose for me, giving me a hope and a future, clarity. Today, I am pleading for help in feeling your constant affection- that you know me, and you love me, and you’re pleased with me…”
I remember feeling so distant from God, yet, thankfully knowing I wasn’t. I was expecting just to make it through the day. (If I could do it without spreading gloom and doom to my coworkers and students, even better!) At the close of my journal, I wrote what I felt God was speaking to my heart. “Just wait. Walk through the hard places. Hold on, and keep going. It’s worth it. It’s quiet for a while, it’s sad for a while, but I’m bringing you along a beautiful path to a beautiful place.” I tried to carry those words with me; but, by the time I arrived at work, they had already faded.
I sat down at my computer to check my email. A weekly email from a non-profit I like had a few links, and I clicked on an article about human trafficking (probably the issue that God has burdened my heart with the most). It was a fascinating blog about this woman’s experience with victims of human trafficking in Thailand. It was gritty, it was real, and it was originally from another website. So (procrastinating from the work I had to do) I, of course, clicked on that website. In the next few minutes, everything changed. I devoured as much as I could from the site. My despair dissipated. I knew God brought me to that site to open my eyes and show me his tender heart- his heart for me, for you, and for the world.
That was October. Five months later, I’m blogging on the very site that captured my attention.
(to be continued)
