The last time I preached was in Cambodia. Our first Sunday here was the first time since then that God told me I would be preaching. Having learned my lesson to obey promptly, I immediately agreed and asked for a sermon. He didn’t give one. I asked for a few days but received nothing, all the while He was bringing to mind various parts of my testimony. Things He had taught me before the Race and how our relationship has deepened this year. What really came strongly was a question I had been asked the week before, “What has been your most impactful moment with God on the Race?” My answer to that question, what led up to that moment, and how our relationship has changed since was my sermon.
I said no.
That is too personal. I wanted a sermon, a teaching, not my testimony. I did not want to be that vulnerable in front of my teammates and squad mates. I did not want to stand before a church and share the most painful part of my testimony to strangers. I struggled all Saturday and did not hear God’s voice. I even email Mom that I was frustrated and sad that I could not hear Him. That night I shared my hesitations with some others and they prayed for me. Finally, Saturday night I gave in, I told God I would share my testimony.
As soon as I said that stories and facts began to flow.
Sunday morning I went up first to speak. I briefly shared about the time in Thailand that I got angry with God (see Eternal Father). I shared what had happened in the few years leading up to that moment that had given me the relationship with God that allowed me to be that real and made me so angry and hurt. Then I shared what happened that day, Scott’s vision, and how that set God and me on a course to a deeper and more real relationship through the Race. I shared how each month our relationship has changed. (see below for the full sermon.)
It was hard. I cried. After I finished Pastor Obed and Matsolo, his wife, called me back down and prayed over me. Two of the squad felt led to come down and sing You are My All in All while encouraging the congregation to seek where God was calling them deeper. The second speaker spoke about fear and courage which beautifully tied in. We went home and that was it.
Except it wasn’t. For the rest of our time in Lesotho people would mention my testimony. Pastor Obed said it challenged him. Teens said that my story encouraged them to get right with their parents. People know my name and greet me with Aussi Rebecca (Sister Rebecca) in church. Pastor Tsepo came to me in the next week asking to hear my testimony because he heard it was powerful. My team and squad got to know me better and could see that I am still grieving. I, once again, learned obedience.
I don’t say any of that to brag on myself. Had it been up to me I would have stayed in my chair. God knew what we all needed. The thing that surprised me the most was something Pastor Obed said. He told us that there is a belief in Lesotho that white people and foreigners never have problems. By sharing my testimony and crying in front of the congregation they saw that we struggle too. It made us real and relatable. It brought us into this community.
The Sermon
Last week I was asked, “What has been your most impactful moment with God on the Race?” The most impactful moment with God happened our first week in Thailand. The morning we were to go to Training Camp I went up on the roof of the hostel for my quiet time. During my prayer I got very angry with God. I felt like He was so far away and demanded that He get off of His throne and prove that He is real, or I was going home. How did I get to the point that I was that angry and that hurt? How did I have a close enough relationship with God that I could be that real, that raw?
I grew up in a Christian home going to church every Sunday but did not personalize my relationship with God. Then in high school I became legalistic which lead to a very mistaken view of God. I believed in Him but thought Him distant, stern, and no fun. In college, I quit attending church and began to do life my way. I wanted to travel and get married so I sought those things on my own apart from God.
In 2010 God asked, “Do you want to keep trying things your way or do you want to try My way?” I knew my way wasn’t working, so I said yes. That yes created a deep thirst in me for His ways and His Word. He drew me closer and deeper, and I finally understood who He is. He healed me and forgave me. He taught me to rest, surrender, and submit to Him. I learned His voice and my focus changed.
Last year, 2014, was a big year for us. I started the year with two goals. No longer would I say I am depressingly single, but would rejoice in this season of my life. Along with that I would focus on my relationship with God and grow closer to Him. In that He could teach me many things, yet two really stand out as most important.
First, He told me that He is my covering and my parents are my advisors. The Bible teaches that a woman is under the covering of her father for protection and guidance until she is married, and then she is under the covering of her husband. But last year I was 31 and living alone far from my father. Who was my covering? When God told me He is my covering that changed who I went to for permission and guidance. Now if God tells me to go, I go.
Second, He told me to let my mom go. I was trying to protect my mother and she was trying to protect me. God told us both to let go and trust Him. This was not easy, but God showed us that by trying to protect each other we were actually getting in His way.
Last summer Yeshua and I had time to rest together and that is when He called me to the World Race. In preparing for the Race I tried to do much of the work in my own strength, letting our relationship slip. Then suddenly, at the end of October, my dad died. It was such a surprise. I curled up in a ball to protect myself emotionally. I couldn’t pray except to cry out in pain. I was numb, lost, and some days just survived. Because God had told me that He is my covering and because Mom and I had let each other go, I knew I still needed to go on the Race. He had called me to this trip, and He was going to take care of Mom while I was away. In the two months between Dad’s death and the Race, I had mourned and was in a healthy place, so I got on that plane thinking I was okay.
I didn’t realize how angry and hurt I was until I got to Thailand. There I met my squad and looked around at all these people who seemed to have it all together. That day after my angry prayer we traveled to Training Camp, and that night our leaders prayed over us. We sat in the middle with them standing around so we could go to them for prayer if we wanted. I went to our squad mentor but, because I was still upset with God and wanted Him to prove Himself, did not tell him what was going on. After a short prayer he told me that he had a vision of God standing next to Dad. They were both smiling down on me. God came off His throne to stand beside my dad and show how proud they are of me. That day changed our relationship and each month of the Race we have grown closer.
In January we danced.
In February He asked me to tell my team the story of the day Dad died. That finally broke down the walls I had built to protect myself, and for the first time I could laugh with God.
When I pray I see Yeshua, but in March He blinded me so I would learn to trust Him. And when it was scary or I was upset He held me.
In April He told me that my identity is I am His.
In May He taught me to love. Not my love but His love flowing through me to those around me.
And this month He is teaching me to be grounded in Him. Being grounded in Him brings peace, rest, joy, honesty, and courage.
I’m excited to see what He has planned for the next five months.
Yes, He is enough for me. It is not always easy. Some days I get frustrated and disappoint myself. But He is patient and good. He is calling me deeper.
In what way does God want to deepen your relationship?
