My team was first faced with it individually during training camp. Testimonies were shared by leadership when they were faced with the same question. One member of my team was asked very bluntly by God, “Am I enough?” (If you have not done so yet I highly recommend reading Jen’s blog When God Says to Wait.)
In one of our first team meetings one of my teammates brought it up again, so our team decided to take on that question this year. Is God enough? He has asked me, “Am I enough?” My answer has become, “I don’t know. Are you? Show me an area where you are not.”Turns out when you ask him, he will kindly show you areas where you do not fully believe he is enough. Then we can work through that area.
Is God enough for me? Honestly, I can’t say yes yet. There are still areas that I want my way. What he has revealed are areas that I have not completely surrendered to him, areas where I’m still depending on my abilities. It is hard to say, “If I never (fill in the dream). You are enough.” Then one night as I was journeling about my day God cut in with, “If you never experience human love am I enough for you? If you never hold a man’s hand, never kiss, are never held in a man’s arms, never dance with a romantic partner, and never have more than male friends, am I enough?”
Well when I got over the shock of the subject change and the abruptness of the question I could reflect over what God has been doing in the last couple years. He has healed me of deep hurts, broken lies about men and relationships, and he has become more real, more of a friend as our relationship has deepened.
“Yes. Honestly and truly yes. And I trust you to remove those desires (for love and a family) if that is your will.”
Remembering back to Hinds Feet on High Places, the last time I read it the part when she roots out human love offended me. I was offended because marriage is my right. I was offended because I was not given the gift of celibacy so therefore I would be married some day. (My logic was impeccable.) I’ve been involuntarily single for just over a year. Now I’ll be single for another. Last year God healed and restored my views of men and taught me to be friends. Identity redeemed; lies and vows dashed and repented.
Then I remembered the night I shared my dad’s death with the squad. Yeshua kept saying “Look in my eyes.” He gave me the strength and love I needed to say those hard words. Afterward, his eyes softened with sympathy and love as the strength I needed drained away. That is when he took me into his arms, and we danced. My first slow dance. As I looked into those eyes I saw a depth of love, care and acceptance that a man could never give.
This year he is enough. This year God is becoming my friend, my lover, and he started with a dance.
God you can uproot “Human Love.” It is not a right. It’s a gift only you can give. And if you choose to keep me for yourself I’m good with that. You are enough.
