The morning we left Chiang Mai for Training Camp, I went up to the roof of Zion for some quiet time. The afternoon before our coaches had shared their testimonies and a piece of Karen’s testimony had really spoken to me. She shared a time in her life when God was her friend when she was isolated from people. Her story had such joy about sharing test scores and daily happenings with God because she had no one else. I love that picture of God, but I have never had that relationship with him. Last summer was the closest I’ve come, but between then and now I had drifted.
My prayer that morning started as a desire to share that friendship relationship and intimacy with God, but very quickly it changed. I got angry. That was the first time in my life I got angry with God, and I didn’t even realize I was until it came out! Some of the words flowed out, some were literally pulled out of my mouth. To all the grammar Nazis I mean to use that word, it was a physical prayer and I felt the words being pulled from my mouth. How dare he take my father from me? Why is he so distant? How can we even be friends if he can’t be bothered to get off his throne? Then I got a vision of my hands in thick metal cuffs with multiple chains of regrets, memories, and missed opportunities. These chains were holding my focus on the past so that I could not enjoy the present or anticipate a future. I was a slobbering mess.
I left the roof with a challenge in my heart for God. He needed to get off of that throne and prove he was real. I was ready to quit and go home if he didn’t. It seemed that all of these people around me had it together, and I was full of doubt.
We packed up, loaded up and landed at the Eubank home. We set up camp and explored. Dave Eubank shared his vision and testimony with us as well as a few videos to give us an idea of his ministry. Seth Barnes gave an introduction of himself and Training Camp. Then God went to work.
Seth’s first talk was about our story. We each come to the Race with a past. He had us think about our problems and struggles, what has held us captive. We need to identify the expectations, circumstances, relationships, etc. that are holding us back so that we can clearly hear what God says about us.
I wrote in my journal, “I’m captive by the past. Past fears and family expectations (real & imagined) that held me back from my true self. Fear that I missed out on something. I missed out on my best life because of not following God’s voice. Desires and rights, especially the right to be a wife and mother.”
Next Seth talked about past hurts, abuses, or losses that had been allowed to steal a piece of us because the loss was never properly grieved. We were to pray first to ask God what we had been holding onto, and then pair up and share with one other. Immediately, the loss of missed opportunities came to mind. I had carried the regret of not doing missions earlier or living fully for God like a loss. But to grieve those lost opportunities I had to acknowledge misplaced blame and anger toward my parents. I was blaming them for not encouraging or pushing me more and for not realizing how much power their words had over me. Speaking all of these thoughts to a squadmate allowed me to see the the truth that my parents were doing the best they could, and I was not strong in myself, my identity. As we walked back to the house she said, “I’m glad you didn’t do the Race before and that you are on THIS squad.”
When we got back a squadmate played quietly on her guitar as we worshiped. All I wanted to do was sleep and nurse a headache, not the best attitude for worship. During worship I was in his presence and asking him to cleanse those memories. I forgave Mom and myself. I was asking for new perspective so I would not see my twenties as missed opportunities for God but rather as the adventures and blessings they were. Our leaders had positioned themselves around the room to pray for us, so I went up to Scott, our Squad Mentor. Scott was very quiet for a time, and then he said, “I have a vision of the Heavenly Father standing with your dad. They are smiling down at you because they are so proud of their daughter.” Man, I did some deep breathing and tried to hold it in, but his following prayer put me over and I sobbed. Again I was a blubbering mess in the middle of the room.
God came and spoke so much life into me in that time. I don’t even know all of what he said but one thing clearly stood out. I was grieving missed opportunities, because if I had done the Race years ago Dad would have been able to follow my journey.
God poured out memory after memory of times Dad was proud of me, he was always proud of me. Interests we shared. The adventures, like Disney Cruise Line, that he followed and encouraged me through. Then he said, “If you had done the race years ago your dad could only follow your blog, see your life through the pictures you post, and live the Race through the stories you chose to tell. Now he can see it all.”
In a one-on-one with See Eun (She In) I poured out all that had happened the day before. She had me have a conversation with Dad to tell him whatever was in my heart or on my mind. I got real honest. Stuff I had never thought to say when he was alive and some of it I really wish I had. Two things I want to share. First, I asked him to release me from the requirement to live the American Dream from planning for the future. Second, I told him I am sorry Carol hurt him, but I have to say “God said” and live my life as God is calling me. I sensed him release me. I don’t have to worry about disappointing or hurting my dad. My earthly father and my Heavenly Father are proud of me and will be watching me through life.
God the Father came off his throne to stand with my dad and smile down on me.
