Mom was a stay-at-home, home school mom and really involved in our lives from driving us to games and lessons to volunteering to teach Sunday school or lead youth group. Many of my childhood memories with Mom center around horses because she drove me to horse lessons and events, and then carried brushes and rags and cheered at the arena fence. Mom and I have always been close. We’ve butted heads and gotten into arguments, of course, no girl gets through high school without a fight with her mom. I can tell Mom anything, not because she is my best friend she’s not the I’m-my-kid’s-best-friend kind of mom, but because she cares. Actually, I usually don’t have to tell Mom anything; she already knows everything! Seriously, it’s incredible. She is so wise and gives the best advice. Mom is strong, smart, and fierce (I dare you to mess with her kid), yet somehow I felt responsible for her.
It wasn’t always a conscious thought, but I’ve wanted to keep her from worrying or getting hurt. Unfortunately, I used that desire to keep Mom from worry as an excuse to not follow my passions and calling. As I’ve said before, I have wanted to travel for a long time, yet my traveling overseas may cause Mom worry so it was better to stay home. Heaven forbid I was out of phone range or without internet so we could communicate. While I was covering my fears and lack of faith with excuses about Mom, she was encouraging me to spread my wings. She was waiting to stand on the sidelines and cheer just as she had when I was a kid. God began to remove my excuses and those earthly things I was depending for stability.
Last winter my parents sold the land we grew up on and moved out of the community and state that had always been our home. That was the first step. Then in the spring Mom and Dad came to visit me on their way south to look for a new home. During that visit it was obvious that God was leading them, especially Mom, into a whole new direction. Shortly after their visit I met with one of the ministers from my church. We first talked about my parents’ role in my life. I had been taught that a single woman is under the covering of her parents until her marriage; however, I was 31 and had been living on my own, supporting myself for some time. As we prayed together God revealed that He is my head and covering and that my parents are advisers. This gave me a level of freedom to follow God without worry of disrespecting my parents. Then we talked specifically about Mom and my feelings of protection. She asked me who is responsible for protecting Mom. God. So if you set yourself up to protect her what are you doing? Getting in His way. Yep. After I left her house, through a lot more prayer, I understood that by my actions I was blocking us both from growing. That’s a powerful moment. My immediate action was to stop calling as frequently to check in and over the next few months I was more bold in making decisions including the decision to join the World Race. (Incidentally, that would not be the last time God told me, “Back off you are in my way” in 2014.)
I moved to Alabama in September after my job ended to save money and to focus on fundraising and preparing for the Race. It has been great spending so much time with Mom. I was shocked to discover how much alike we are. I’d always thought I was more like Dad. We have worked on projects together and have gotten wrapped up in TV shows together. It’s been really fun.
But we also supported each other through the darkest day of our lives. Driving home from the hospital in complete shock the only distinct thought I can remember is, “Do not let the Enemy use this. Do not accept guilt for going on the Race.” How do you say that to your Mom in such a moment? Fortunately, I didn’t have to. We parked in the driveway and sat in the car staring at the house; neither of us wanting to go inside. Then Mom said, “This doesn’t change anything. You are still going.”
God was preparing both of us for this time. I could only see the first step when I told mom I would be calling less. He knew Launch was coming. Had He and I not had that conversation way back in April, I don’t know that I could go on the Race. Last week my sister confirmed the change when she said, “I’m surprised you are going.”
Honestly, I don’t know if I have processed leaving her. The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion. For the first time a couple of days ago I felt sadness. But I’m not worried. We are going to cry and it’s going to suck because I hate seeing my Mama cry. But I’m not worried, and I know she is in good Hands. It’s not my job to protect her from pain. It’s not my job to find her a new purpose. It’s not my job to take away her worry. And it’s a good thing because, if nothing else, the last two months have shown me I can’t.
