As our launch gets closer I’m focusing on being present. Sharing time with family, talking to friends, cuddling my cats – these are the things that have become most important as soon they will be gone for a long time. Last week was about family and wrapping up my Race prep. Mom and I had the opportunity to babysit my two-year-old great-niece. We went down and spent the night with my nephew’s family then had the little one all on her own. Climbing mountains (the steep hill in their backyard), swinging, and jumping on the trampoline is such fun! Then this Monday all of my siblings arrived for the holidays and holiday baking could begin.
During our holiday shopping, I found a little arrow necklace to wear on the Race. Before I left Denver a friend gave me her beautiful Star of David to wear. However, I plan on not wearing it in China. so the arrow necklace will be perfect. As I was praying about accepting a position on the team, a line from a Matisyahu song kept repeating in my head. “I’m the arrow. You’re my bow. Shoot me forth and I will go.” A simple, harmless necklace but a powerful reminder of Who is the source and director of this Race.
A while back I wrote that I really don’t have fears or worries about the Race. It just seems natural to go as the next season of my life. Well last weekend a couple of minor things were keeping me up at night and one morning I broke down and cried over something kinda insignificant. That’s when I realized I was starting to freak out a little bit. Because I am a terrible procrastinator, I made sure to write my packing list early and to pack my bag early. All my Race shopping is done, the vaccines and prescriptions are done, my tax documents are organized and in Mom’s possession, the power of attorney is signed; all that’s left is to pack my day pack. The funny thing is that I am so used to procrastinating I was freaking out that I didn’t have more to do! It’s amazing how a few hours reading the Word can calm down a freak out. I have written about How I was Called to the Mission Field and the specific events this summer that lead up to my acceptance to the World Race Fusion team (Turning My Back on the American Dream). Today in my quiet time Papa reminded me of a dream I had right after being invited to the Race.
I was struggling to accept the Race because I was struggling to accept that this could be my life and that God wants to fulfill dreams. I was thinking that I must take a library/archives job somewhere which would be awesome but not completely fulfilling. I was under attack and the Enemy was reminding me of a lot of my past worries, insecurities, fears, and failures. It was as if my head was the stage for a conversation between two others, and I was just the audience. Thoughts, images, memories, impressions, and words to fast to record or explain, yet they had meaning to me. The Enemy was trying to prove I should deny the Race. Yeshua was saying, “I’m here. I’m in this. I’m planning.” The Enemy brought up a past position that I had been seeing as a failure for six years. God had me fired from that job and that was the Enemy’s focus, but Yeshua took me back to the beginning and showed me that it had been His will that I take the job. He had orchestrated it and given it as a gift. He had used me in that job until it was time to move on and removed me when I would not leave. Through that He healed painful memories and redeemed a season of my life that I had been holding against myself thus destroying any power the Enemy had to use those memories against me.
That night I had the dream. I was lying on my back in a yard with another. I could not see Him, but I knew it was Yeshua. It was a comfortable, peaceful, restful, silent companionship as we lay with our heads together. It was dusk and above us was a flock of swallows eating a swarm of mosquitoes. I mused that none of the mosquitoes could come down to us. As the dream ended Yeshua whispered, “Those aren’t mosquitoes.” I awoke understanding that the mosquitoes were doubts, fears, and lies and the swallows were angels. I was watching a spiritual battle, but my little brain could not comprehend. He was literally by my side resting and at peace while the battle raged over our heads. This one is not my battle to fight. My job is to turn to Him, rest in Him, trust Him that all will be well.
After I wrote those words in my journal, He said, “Remember the chess board.” Earlier in the summer He had given me a vision of a chess board along with the words, “You can only see the next move. I can plan to the end of the game.” I have seen the truth in this and expect to see even more next year.
