Nothing Expected
I am broken…. This month, I knew it was going to be hard from day one. I cried the first night we got here, because this wasn’t what I expected from the World Race. Being together as a squad of 46 people and doing construction just isn’t me. I am an introvert and a relational person… Sooo being with white people 24/7 and not living with the Haitian people was hard… I figured that God would break me spiritually and mentally this month. But I never thought that He would break me physically to the point of hopelessness and exhaustion.
Thursday nights, we have squad worship. It is normally so good… so refreshing… so renewing. Just what I normally need, but tonight was different. After the first song, I was in and out of sleep sitting in my chair. My body was physically exhausted from being in the sun for eight hours doing construction work. I couldn’t stay awake. I considered going to my tent and skipping out on the night completely, but the music was so peaceful, so I stayed. After an hour in and out of sleep I readjusted my body in my chair and shooting pain came up my ankle/leg… Making me wide awake and in pain. (Fyi: I fell over a rock and rolled my ankle the day before and it was really swollen.) I was now awake… And listening to the worship songs. I started worshiping with the squad and I started praying and God started to reveal some things to me.
This month is all construction… And mostly hard core construction with heavy lifting and lots of concrete. The area we are living in was hit hard by the earthquake; therefore there is a ton of rebuilding. But God had to break me physically in order to get my attention. God had to break me physically for me to rely and trust fully on His strength alone. Granted it took me until today to figure that out… But God works in mysterious ways. And this is what I needed in order to see God. I needed to be in pain in order to cry out to God and to rely on God for my strength and healing.
The story begins… at the work site. Everyday we are either at Mission of Hope or Be Like Brit Orphanage. Basically every few days my team pours concrete. And so far there have been 4 concrete days. There are no machines so we form bucket lines. Passing the full buckets of concrete down the line until the last person pours it. Simple and easy. Right? I wish. But I rammed my right knee cap into the rebar. My fingers got destroyed another day. And your fingertips have sooo many nerves that everything I do causes pain… From pulling up my hair, to washing my clothes, to gripping a pencil to write… I couldn’t do anything without being in pain. Another day we were pouring the second floor of Be Like Brit. A person would throw the empty buckets down for me to catch from the second floor… and my wrist got cut up and burned. I have fallen over a rock and completely rolled/twisted my ankle. And through all this my back hurts from lifting concrete buckets… Some days worse then others.
It took all these for me to see that this is God breaking me and teaching me to rely fully on him. I felt completely helpless and hopeless after the third concrete day, but I didn’t turn to God. I am not a person to get sick or injured sooo this is hard. This is breaking. This is not what I expected from the month. I never thought God would break his daughter, his princess, physically… Not like this. And I can’t do anything but trust God. Pray to God when I wake up in the middle of the night in pain. Rely on God to heal these wounds. And allow God to work in my heart through this time of pain.
And it is crazy good to come this realization…. To see that this is God’s plan… And to trust God and rely on Him fully with all my heart.
