I’ve written a few blogs now about being broken and learning new things. This race has been different than I ever expected and I wouldn’t want it to be anything else. I’ve been broken every month in new ways and built up stronger than before.
This last month in Mozambique was the last thing I expected it to be. We were put on new teams at our last debrief before Moz and I wasn’t sure how to feel. I’m on a team with all girls and I knew God was going to put me there, I just didn’t want it. I was worried and grieving at first and had trouble choosing in. Then I fell in love with a country that most people told me was a corrupt country, full of darkness and spirits. I left a huge piece of my heart there that I pray I get to go back to one day. The love of our ministry, our host, and his family was fully evident in all of our hearts and it made me realize that I couldn’t have put on a better team for what I needed.
I went through a lot of breaking off chains of needing acceptance, comparison, not accepting love, and more in the first 4 months of the race. It was absolutely amazing. I saw myself change before my own eyes and barely recognized myself. I was on a mountain top at debrief; more excited about change than I had been in a long time. I was feeling great. I was ready for Mozambique. Or so I thought…
The first few weeks were really hard. I loved the ministry, the host, and the women I was with, but there was a huge block between me and God. I had no idea what to do and where to go from where I was. And then I started backsliding.
I fell into old habits that I thought I had broken off an felt unaccepted. I started slacking on reading my bible and spent less time with God. I started to let the enemy grab on to old insecurities and let him make me think I was alone. And then I broke one night.
I was having a talk with Sareece, my team leader, and I realized I was talking a lot that month. But it was all about the past. Nothing about what was happening right then and there. I wasn’t telling anyone about what I was going through or asking for prayer. Everything I had gone through the months previous was said… but I never put it into action. I was talking the talk without walking the walk because of the fear of how hard the journey was going to be. The enemy grabbed onto that fear and filled me with a spirit of doubt .
Doubt that anyone cared about what I was going through because I was already supposed to have gone through it.
In Sareece and my’s conversation, I realized I needed to tell my team what was going on. The next day was my turn to lead team time and I just started crying, tellling them I’d been going through hard stuff, and being vulnerable. I never expected the love and words I got from them. They spoke love and encouragement over me that jolted me. They told me that most things I was saying were lies. And I was confused.
So I reevaluated. I looked back.
I realized had been worrying too much about me doing these things. I was relying on my strength. I was choosing me. I felt like I was failing at changing because I kept feeling like I had to change things in my heart. I had to work at it. I convinced myself that all these things I had to work at to hear the Lord and for Him to help me.
And then it clicked. I had to turn everything over to Him.
If I try to do anything out of my own strength, I’m going to fail.
“But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26
I gave it all to Him. Everything within me, I turned it over to Him. I asked Him to break my heart and to take it all. I asked Him to help me because there’s absolutely no way I could do it on my own. And it has been so worth it. It’s not going to be easy to rely on Him in everything but I’m going to try and I’m going to give it my all because that’s all He asks.
Give Him everything.
Trust Him in everything.
And He will respond.
There will be hard times. There will be easy times. But continue to choose Him and all of it will be good in the end. It’s worth the hard because the end result is a relationship with Him that will satisfy. One that will bring blessings and joy that will be greater than all the sufferings. Jesus suffered more than we could ever imagine. He chose to become human. Be born of a woman. He had to learn to talk and to walk. He gave up all his wants for his father’s. People would flock to him every where and every day. And he chose to put them before himself. He humbled himself to become like us so that we had someone to relate to and an example to follow. He had all the temptations we face everyday. And he chose in. He chose his father. And for that, he always had somewhere to lay his head. He always had food. He had close friends to rely on and who loved. But he suffered greatly. He was praised one day, then beaten and crucified the next. But then he received the greatest gift. He was resurrected and taken up to Heaven to be with his father for all eternity.
When I realized that, I knew it was time… And so I got baptized!!
All we have to do is choose in. Choose Him. He will take care of it all. His will is what is best for us in the end because the end is eternal life with Him. And what is greater than that promise?
Love you all and God bless!
Also, I’m still fundraising! My final deadline is July 1st and I’m still over $4,000 away. Please consider donating to help me stay on this race. God has done so much these first 5 months and you can help me further the kingdom and love on His people around the world for 6 more. And if you can’t right now, consider helping me out by spreading the word to your friends or family who might be able to help out as well!
