Nepal was a rough month for me. There is no sugar coating, there is no fairy tale ending like we all want and dream of so don’t look forward to one.
I went into the month just days after a motorcycle accident and still recovering from injuries to my back and knees. (Don’t worry, looking back it turns out to be a pretty funny story; who gets hit by a flying pig on a motorcycle in India…Seriously..) I wasn’t too concerned with them, I knew I would be okay and I wanted to get back to ministry. India had been my best month thus far and I didn’t want to let that spiritual high go. After all, we were doing construction type work, specifically hay bailing for a local hydroponics organization. I love that kind of work and I didn’t want to sit out.
My spirits had been down however, a lot had happened aside from the accident as well and it was obvious to my team I wasn’t in the best place. They encouraged me to take some time to rest my back and get myself together. I was a mess trying to hold back tears but I knew it was right. I had gotten so much feedback on how I needed to take care of myself better and here was the opportunity. I was torn between babying my injury like I felt people wanted and actually pushing myself towards healing. Eventually I worked through it both ends of the spectrum and feel like I have found that balance.
A few days later however, I noticed something wrong with my arm. Long story short, I got a nasty staph infection that took everything out of me for the next four weeks. The month really couldn’t have gotten much worse. The antibiotics they put me on were so strong they made me physically sick, the infection made me sick because the antibiotics they gave me weren’t enough and I had to go back to the hospital every few days to get it cleaned out and re-bandaged. It was so deep I could actually feel them scraping against my bone trying to get the infection out, the pain was awful. Emotionally I was also spent. I felt like I was being pulled in a thousand directions and that no matter what I did it wasn’t right. It wasn’t until my arm got too bad and kept spreading that I realized how serious it was (I kept telling myself it was okay and it would get better) and my squad leaders decided to pull me from my team for the remaining time in Nepal so that nobody else would get infected. I was very unhappy and I made it clear to my leaders how I felt. I was miserable, I didn’t want to be in bed, I wanted to participate in ministry, I could hear my teammates laughing and enjoying each others company as they worked and I wanted to be a part of it, however, not being able to brought me into somewhat of a mild depression and the days dragged on. But again, I knew in my heart that I had to give up ministry to allow my body to heal no matter what any one else expected or felt I should do. I ended up going to the hospital seven times that month. For every one that likes details, and sorry to those who don’t, during one visit they drained a sack of infection about the size of two marbles from my arm and then stuffed it with iodine soaked gauze. I always thought I could handle pain pretty well…aside from getting my eyebrows plucked..but this was a whole new kind of pain. Looking back it still makes my body cringe.
I got to spend the final week of Nepal with my squad leader. It turned out to be one of the best weeks of the race. We worked through a discipleship book, had hour upon hours of heart to heart talks, walked to the top of a Buddhist temple and prayer walked around it and really got to invest in each other and our spiritual walk. Looking back, I needed that far more than bailing hay.
A lot more happened that month but the only thing I chose to focus on from that month are the ways in which The Lord grew me even if I fought him the whole way. I definitely have people pleasing qualities but I finally had to realize the only person I really need to focus on pleasing is God and fully believing that He knows what is right for me.
Needless to say, I am beyond glad that month is over, but I wouldn’t trade it or what happened for the world. Through it all so much was revealed to me and I learned a lot about myself that I never knew before. As a teammate reminded me through a Bible verse (which I’m irritated I can’t remember now), God has to walk us through hard times sometimes in order to grow us and use the hard times to teach us and make us more like His Son. For that I am grateful.
There was one bright spot about that month however. Christmas. I had stayed the night of Christmas Eve with another team (my team had all split up between trekking in the mountains and going into Thamel) and went to a night service with them. The next day I was feeling so sick that I chose to leave and go back to our house that we were at for the month. It was amazing. Although I spent Christmas day completely alone, it was the best Christmas I have ever had. It was just what my heart needed. I played and sang along to Christmas music, I spent hours in prayer and I got to hang out with Jesus, just me and Him. That was my favorite day of the month, the one day my heart was fully at peace.
By the end of the month my arm was finally healing and my back was doing a lot better, but things got even worse in the weeks after, before they finally got better. I wish I could have an ending that said I was miraculously healed and got to finish ministry with my team and everything had a Hollywood ending, but that isn’t the truth. This is real life. Shit happens. This isn’t Hollywood, there isn’t a fairy tale ending. And I’m okay with that. But it was those rough, shambly weeks that tore me apart physically, emotionally and spiritually that God used to show me my ‘ugly,’ those parts of me that that He can break down and help build back up.
Okay, maybe that is a decent ending, but you get the point…
