After spending countless hours typing out more of my testimony, then re-typing it when it was too long, getting rid of unimportant stuff, I realized something. I was focusing too much on the pain, the hurt, the ugly of the world and not on what mattered; how God worked in my life.
When sharing in AA they often tell you to share what happened, what it was like and what it’s like now. Because what Jesus did for me is so much more important than anything else I will paraphrase my 25 years of life as such:
What Happened: I was sexually abused for a number of years when I was about 7.
I kept it a secret because he told me not to tell anyone and despite everything I wanted to honor his wish.
I also carried guilt for many years thinking it was my fault.
I was abused again when I was 16 and 21.
What It Was Like: I got very sad, felt hopeless and wanted to die. To deal with the emotional pain I hurt myself physically, tried to drink the pain away and abused drugs to either end my life or find happiness; either option I didn’t care, anything but what I was feeling.
That’s just how depression hits, you wake up one day afraid you’re going to live. For over a decade I battled that emptiness every single day.
During the years of darkness there was one bright light. I believed in God, but I didn’t have a personal relationship with Jesus. Even though I wasn’t following Him, He still loved me and blessed me with a very special friend that changed my life. Her name was Kasey. She was a bright light in my dark world. We became best friends very quickly. During this time I was using drugs almost daily. As I got more into using people confronted me and told me they were worried but I brushed them off. At the end of summer Kasey sat me down and told me that I was getting too involved with drugs and she didn’t want to be around it. I had to make a choice that day, the drugs or her friendship. I chose her friendship and promised I would get help. I told a teacher I was very close with that I had a problem and from there we sat down with my parents and made the decision for me to go to treatment. When I first got to treatment not many people had any faith in me that I would stay clean. My counselor even told me he had no hope for me. Most of the people in my life had given up on me, I lost one of my best friends, a relationship that to this day I would give anything to have back. But I still had Kasey. She always told me she believed in me and I stayed sober throughout my time in treatment. After two months I graduated from treatment. That same day I sat in a crowded hospital room, holding her hand and telling her I loved her one last time. Although it’s been 9 years since she passed away her memory and the impact she had on my life still lives on. God used Kasey to help save my life. The light that shined through her while she was alive gave me hope. I still find strength in her and the gift The Lord gave me through her friendship.
Although I was sober from drugs I still struggled for many years after her death. Depression was something I battled daily. But even in that darkness there was something deep inside of me that fought to stay alive. God gave me the strength to persevere. My heart never wanted to give up, but on a dark day in January of 2013 I was ready to give up that fight, I was ready end my life. satan had taken everything and I was finished, I had nothing left. But with one last cry, before I was ready to say goodbye to this world forever, I called out to The Lord.
Save my life or I will take it Lord, I have nothing left.
There was no lightning bolt moment. But something changed. I had nothing, but He filled me up. And my life has never been the same. That day I made the decision to give my life to Christ and to follow Him wherever He would take me. I dedicated my life to serving Him and His will for me and He has guided my path to where I am today.
He has given me a life I have never deserved, but that’s what is so beautiful about our God. He never gives up, no matter how many times I’ve fallen, no matter how many times I’ve screwed up He still loves me. He still extends grace. He saved me.
And He has called me into the nations to love on the people who are lost and forgotten, stuck in addiction and hopelessness, just like I was, to encourage them to find their identity in Christ and tell them about what He has done in my life. I can think of no greater honor than telling others about my Savior and how He changed my life. He walked me through hell to give me a story that glorifies His goodness and love. He brought me out of addiction and depression, he watched over me in accidents and time in jail. He gave me a story to help others who are facing that same darkness. And He has me on The World Race so that I can go out into the world and love the forgotten, lost and abused people of this world, just like I was and to show them there is hope and redemption in Christ if you let Him in your heart.
