Lightning struck twice, this time in Albania.
Who would have thought that an innocent walk to get ice cream after dinner would end up once again with me in a dead sprint, face in my hands and a mess of tears because I watched yet another dog get hit by a car just feet from me.(To add to the disaster I’ve had with animals we can add a piglet I didn’t want to put down because its legs were broken when the mother sat on it)
I ran back to the camp in shock. I couldn’t get words out, just tears. I had a few people around me offering support but I wouldn’t look up. I had one of my best friends there, two of my squad leaders and a few others lending support, but something inside of me refused to talk. I wanted to, but I closed up.
After regaining composure I felt a sense of embarrassment come out that here I was once again, crying my eyes out over a dog. (Ironic that this was the dog I told to shut up every time I walked by it).
When I first signed up for the race I had no intentions of being the super emotional crying mess of the squad. As a matter of fact I had just the opposite in mind. I had every intention of coming on the race with this badass image I wanted to live up to. I wanted to be tough and I wanted to come off as someone hard, who couldn’t be broken. I wanted a front, I wanted to protect myself. Not that I needed to protect myself from my squad, but that I wanted to protect myself from myself and I wanted to protect myself from the world.
I wasn’t ready to let these 50 new people see my vulnerable side just yet. I know I am quite sensitive and care deeply, but I didn’t want others to know that yet. I wanted to try and be tough while having them prove to me that they could earn my trust in them and THEN I would open up. Well God laughed at that idea.
Once again, He put me in a situation where He knew I would have to lean on someone to help me get though. I held onto my friend for a while and then ran away, not talking, heading to somewhere I would be by myself. In my heart I really did want someone there (ideally someone that knew how to handle me, who was a ‘safe place’ for me to go to), I just didn’t know how to ask for help, so naturally I ran away.
A short time later my friend came back to check on me. We sat for a while and I remained silent. Eventually I asked for her to get another close friend of mine to have her explain why I was so impacted by this event. She flat out said no, you’re going to work through this yourself otherwise you will never grow. It can be irritating when your friends are right but you want to be stubborn and not admit that they are right, again…
God placed this particular person to be there and help me realize that I don’t have to pretend to be tough, I can embrace who I am and who God created me to be.
God taught me, through the help of my squad mates, that there is beauty in compassion. There is beauty in sensitivity. He showed me that through compassion, even for some silly street dogs, that is the love of Jesus shining through. I’m learning to embrace that side of me because God made my heart like that on purpose. Though it was, and sometimes is, still hard to admit, I can see where the truth is in that. And I am okay with it.
