SO! This Part is all about what went on in my heart and my head the week of Training Camp. God taught me a lot and He showed up in ways I'd never seen or experienced. He broke me down and built me up at the same time which is the weirdest feeling ever!
So I was overwhelmed within the first hour of being there. If you don't know what I'm talking about just read Part 1. This feeling didn't ever go away. In fact, it still hasn't. I'm still overwhelmed by Training Camp week. I'm still taking time to process it. It was the hardest week of my life physically, mentally, and spiritually, but it was so awesome and freeing, and I've never seen God work like that before!! Now I just feel a good type of overwhelmed. It's reminding me of how BIG my God is and how powerful He is.
There was a lot of consumption at Training Camp, and not a lot of time for digesting. By Tuesday I was so full I didn't know how I was going to take in any more! (This is definitely not regarding food! more on that later :] ) We talked about a lot of heavy stuff. One session in particular kick started a big work in me.
It was on Grieving the Seasons of Our Lives. Good seasons and bad seasons. The point of the session was that we need to grieve our past losses before we can effectively embrace the present and future. It's necessary because if we don't then we begin to deaden our hearts, kill our desire for more, compartmentalize our lives, and begin to develop a monotone existence trying to protect ourselves from pain.
As I wrote these words down in my journal I knew that they were for me. This is exactly where I was at. There was stuff in my past that I had partially grieved, but never really let go. And there was A LOT of stuff recently that I had lost, good and bad seasons, that I hadn't grieved at all because I was trying to stay "strong". But I had grown numb and I felt it because I couldn't show emotions. Inside I felt all kinds of things excited, happy, sad, upset, scared, nervous, but I didn't show any of it because it was all too much and I guess I decided well I'll just keep moving forward and not take care of it. There was no time for that!
I quickly learned that there was no way I could continue through the week with all of that still on my heart and mind. And CERTAINLY I wouldn't be able to leave for the World Race without taking care of all of it because then it would come out while I'm away and that wouldn't be good.
This marked the beginning of God's work in me at Training Camp. I spent the time of prayer after that session just talking to God and telling Him about all the things I was holding on to and tried to let them go. It was painful and it was something I had to do all week. It didn't just happen in that moment. It wasn't instantaneous. This was really hard! Going through this stuff caused me to struggle for the first couple of days because I did realize my weakness. I struggled with thoughts like "Am I cut out for this?" "Am I good enough for this?" "Am I strong enough because this thing takes a lot of strength and I don't know if I'm as strong as I thought I was." "Does He want me here??" "I've never seen or heard some of this stuff before, I don't know what to do with it" and of course I'm sure I'm not the only one who at some point sat down and asked themselves "Wait. . .why am I doing this again??"
But God knew EXACTLY how to answer those questions. But little did I know would He do it in a way I NEVER thought He would.
Tuesday was the band and speakers' last night. We were having one last worship time in the pavilion. There were no chairs and everyone was just scattered around standing, dancing, sitting, everything. It was a great time of praise and prayer. During this time I was still going through everything. At the end of the night the speaker led us into a time of prayer to go before God and just be open with Him and let Him work. I heard people around me crying, some quietly and others loudly. People were praying over each other. People were on the floor seeming so desperate for Him. I was in the back just standing talking to God. I was wondering why I was still so numb feeling. I really had been trying so hard to let everything go I wasn't keeping Him out. I knew He was working but I thought why am I not on my knees? Why am I not crying? Why can't I show what I'm feeling? I just kept confidence that He was working in me I didn't have to be doing anything to show it. I could just be standing calmly in the back and He was working in me just the same.
We prayed for a really long time and the speaker asked the staff to go around as all the racers were praying and he said "Just walk around and if you see someone who you feel like God just wants you to pray over just lay a hand on them and pray over them" At this point I was just by myself alone with God asking him those questions I had been struggling with the past few days and still going through some of the things I had been holding onto for so long saying "God I'm so sorry, I know I've disappointed you. Thank you for loving me anyway. I have really messed up and I don't want that to get in the way. Help me because I can't do this week without you. I want it to be about You and I give it to You."
It was the end of the prayer time and the band was playing its last song. I had felt a lot of staff people walk by and around me, but no one had come up to me and prayed for me. I honestly didn't expect it because I was off to the side pretty still and calm.
Then out of the corner of my eye I saw a man walking towards me and I looked over and sure enough he laid his hand on my shoulder. My heart started pounding. I didn't know who he was. I hadn't even seen him around camp before this. I didn't know what to expect.
He started to speak and he said " I don't know who you are, but I felt God calling me to come pray for you. First, I want to apologize for any man that has ever hurt you in any way. I'm sorry that we haven't been good role models, or fathers, or friends, or brothers in Christ." Then he started to cry and he said "I don't know why. . . but God keeps saying to me 'She is my daughter. She is my daughter. She is precious to me. She is my baby girl' He wants you to know that He is so proud of you. He is so proud of you for having the courage to come here and do this because it is hard. He loves you and wants you to feel His arms around you."
I broke. I started to cry as soon as he was speaking to me. My first thought after he said that was "What the heck just happened? Oh my gosh how did he know to say that? Why was HE crying!? He didn't even know me!!" No one has ever prayed over me like that before. I knew I was crying because I had felt something I hadn't felt before. God was proud of me. I can't describe to you the heaviness that lifted off my heart. That was it. I knew I was forgiven and I knew He loved me, but I needed to know he wasn't disappointed. He was proud of me. I had never accepted that before and I struggled too much with the thought of disappointing Him I hadn't been able to let it go. He moved on. So should I. I was finally able to show how I felt.
I want this to encourage those who have ever thought like I've thought or felt like I've felt because I know I'm not the only one. God can work through anything! You are precious to Him! You're worth it all!
God taught me so much more after that night and I wish I could share it all in one blog , but we all know no one wants to read NOVELS on here!! 🙂 I'm more than willing to talk to any one more about what God did that week. I just wanted to give a glimpse into the things He is doing already before we even leave!
My prayer all week was Isaiah 33 "Lord be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress."
And the answer He gave was 2 Corinthians 4:16 "Therefore do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
When I was tired, gross, smelly, hungry, and drained. God showed me this and I immediately felt rest 🙂 He makes no mistakes. His timing is perfect. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows how to take care of us right when we need it.
